I Am a Christian and I Had an Abortion (Part 2)

I still had to wait another seven days before I could even be seen. In the meantime, I tormented myself by going online and seeing what developments would occur in my pregnancy and the cons of having an abortion. I found Christian propaganda—something about how abortions cause breast cancer.

So keeping that in mind, I cut off communication... with everyone, because most everyone I knew was a Bible thumping, church-going Christian. I didn't want to risk anyone finding out and trying to stop me. In fact, after having the abortion, I told a select few friends and family members and I remember a few of them saying to me, "Well, if you prayed about it and you feel at peace about it..." or "I'm sure you asked God about it first."

As it happened, I did NOT.

I didn't want to pray about it. I didn't want to go to church. I didn't want to hear that what I was going to do was wrong, or was a sin. So no, Christians, I did not ask God about it AT ALL. I was already feeling extreme guilt and shame. So much so that when my appointment finally did come around, the nurse who was taking my general information—i.e. blood pressure and weight—saw that I was barely holding it together and asked me what was wrong. I burst into tears and admitted that I was there for an abortion. Of course, she already knew that. I could just barely bring myself to say it aloud.

At four weeks along the gynecologist was able to see that I was pregnant and proceeded to give me a medical abortion. I was given a pill at the office which I was told would stop the growth, and 24 hours later I was to take more pills that would cause me to bleed. The doctor informed me of what would happen after taking the pills and prescribed me more medication for pain, nausea, and excessive bleeding.

The following evening, I took the pills as directed and no less than two hours later, I woke up with severe cramps and vomited on and off again into the morning. It was painful and every time my face hovered over the toilet, I thought to myself, "I deserve this. If this is my choice, I deserve this."

After successfully having the abortion, I thought I could put it behind me, but I was wrong.

I was having an emotional, mental, and spiritual battle with what I had done. At first, my main torment was thinking that what I had aborted WAS, indeed, a person. I was afraid that, in the after life, I was going to have to answer to this person. Tell them face to face that I didn't want them, and all I could think about was how that was the ultimate form of rejection. I didn't want to be responsible for the kind of pain, that feeling of being unwanted would cause. I imagined my abortion incarnate as an adult and seeing the anguish, anger, disappointment, and betrayal on their face because I had killed them.

Not only that, I would lie in bed and hear the song "Jesus Loves the Little Children" play on repeat in my head. I would cover my ears, squeeze my eyes shut, curl into a ball, and weep.

I was afraid that I had stolen one of God's creations, that He had wanted someone on the earth and I denied Him the option.

I went into a deep depression, I contemplated suicide, but finally... I realized that I couldn't handle this on my own. So I sought a therapist.

After some time, I sat on the couch during one of my sessions and said something that my therapist told me to think about more. It was this: "I feel as if there are two versions of myself that are battling inside me. On the one hand is everything I KNOW about God because of what I was taught, and on the other is everything I WISH were true about God." I WISHED I could have heard Him tell me that my abortion had not been a sin, because I had always believed that I was BORN to NEVER want children, that God had CREATED me that way. For whatever reason.

Later, contemplating my own words in therapy after that day, I started to change my thinking and my attitude.

If my God KNEW how much I desired to NOT have children and wanted to force me to have them anyway, than He wasn't a God I wanted to serve. If God were able to look a 13-year-old rape victim in the eye and force her to keep the baby she had been impregnated with, than He wasn't a God worth serving. Christians arguments are always, "Everything happens for a reason," along with, "God works in mysterious ways," which, may I point out, is not found in the Bible. Yes, everything DOES happen for a reason... that reason being FREE WILL. If a tragedy occurs, it's not because God MEANT for it to happen. It's because people made bad choices out of free will. Natural disasters have much to do with how humans have violated the earth, but that's another topic.

Additionally, how can you force ANYONE to go through with a pregnancy against their will and expect them to be a good parent? I started to see things differently. If a woman had sex and got pregnant as a result, having that child should not be seen as her taking responsibility for her actions. Children are meant to be seen as a BLESSING not as a CONSEQUENCE. I believe that's how there was a person raised as "A Child Called It." Besides, if it's because of humans having free will that God cannot successfully even GET His intended creation put on the Earth, than He's not God.

I was plagued with every back-ass-wards doctrine that the church had brainwashed me with, and I started to see that what I had been taught really seemed to have NOTHING to do with God. What the church saw as obedience to the Lord was really adherence to Old Testament law and as a way to control people—which meant that after thousands of years, the teachers of God's Word were still nothing but a "brood of vipers" (Matthew 23:33).

I don't regret having an abortion, and I don't believe I'm going to hell for it either. I realized that it wasn't SIN that mattered to God, but rather exactly what Jesus had said in the New Testament; love God and love others (Mark 12:29-31).