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You Took My Innocence and With it My Control!

Taking Back Control After Sexual Abuse!

By Nanette TenpoPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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“Shh. Stop crying or someone will hear you!” She covered my mouth with her hand while her other hand remained on my breast. “If someone comes in here, I will beat you up!” I remained still and let my cousin’s hand roam over my 5-year-old breast and my private parts, the threat of her beating me up remaining in my head. I was terrified to scream, but I knew what she was doing to me was wrong and I had no control. She was ten years old and knew better.

A light flashed on in the hall outside of the room and my cousin snatched her hands away, lying down and pretending to be asleep. I listened to the footsteps leading someone to the bathroom at the end of the hall. Minutes later I heard the flush of the toilet and water running. The footsteps were heading back down the hall. My eyes rolled to the cracked door, hoping to see whoever was walking by. I met my mother’s eyes and relief washed over me. I was saved from my cousin’s wandering hands.

“Couldn’t sleep?” my mom whispered to me. I shook my head no. “Come on, you can come sleep beside me.” I hurried out of the bed, too afraid that my cousin would grab at my nightgown and bring me back to her. That night I was saved from her advances. Unfortunately, the molestation from my cousin would last for the next six years.

My mother was not a stable woman growing up. She moved me and my siblings around so much that we eventually stopped hoping to make friends. She was a single mom raising five children on her own. We endured home after home, school after school, and lover after lover. I believe she was trying to find herself. We spent most of our time with my aunt and her six children. My aunt would keep us while my mother worked several jobs to support us. With her watching eleven children, six of her own and my mother’s five, several things slipped through the cracks and things went unnoticed; like the very first time my female cousin molested me.

Because of my cousin, I knew the "feeling" of sex, before actually knowing what sex was. I also remember being very passive and a pushover growing up. You see, with the years of molestation, I felt as though I had no control over the situation. This cruel thing was happening TO me and I couldn't do anything about it. I had no voice! So any time I was faced with opposition or conflict, I backed down and let other people take advantage of me and walk over me. I never fought back, although I wanted to. When the local girls teased or made fun of me, I just took it because I felt like I couldn't do anything about it.

If only I knew what was happening on the inside of me. All of the hurt, rejection, and pain was festering and growing on the inside like a timed bomb waiting to explode. I became bitter and mean and full of revenge, which I would eventually get in my senior year when I created a "Slam Book" of all the gossip I had heard over the years and produced several copies around the school so everyone could read. So many people were hurt and friendships were torn apart due to the gossip and truths lying between those pages. My smile quickly turned into a frown when I realized who I've become... I became the girls who taunted me!

I had to go look inside myself and get to the root of what I was feeling... it all came back to the molestation and not having control. Who could I have been if only I told my mom what was happening? Would things have turned out differently for me? I don't know. The molestation was in my past, and if I continued to go through life with the shame that victims of sexual abuse and rape carried around, I was not going to go far in life. Yes, I was the victim, but I was tired of being one. That day, I decided to begin to see a therapist. Over the years, I had to forgive my cousin for what she had done as well as my mother for the unstable life she led. In the end, I not only found peace, but I found my voice, that would not hurt, but to uplift others who were abused as well. There is freedom after molestation and rape. You can take back control in your life!

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About the Creator

Nanette Tenpo

Learning to "live" life and not letting it pass me by!

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