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You'll Be Okay. I Promise.

From One Survivor to Another

By Erin ColónPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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At nineteen I began dating "him." You know. The charismatic, fun-loving, happy-go-lucky guy that makes friends with every person he meets? The one that's obnoxiously friendly yet somehow wins you over? He was that guy... until he wasn't.

Not many people understand why a person stays in an abusive relationship instead of finding a way out but I can tell you exactly why, and it's not just one simple reason either.

  1. Hope. Hope that they'll get better. They'll get help and become the person you fell in love with again.
  2. Fear. Fear of what others will think. Fear of what they might do to you or themselves. Fear that you'll leave before they've "really" had a chance to prove whether or not they'll change. Fear of being considered a disappointment. Fear that you're simply over-exaggerating.
  3. Manipulation. They're right, I'm just overly sensitive. Every couple fights and has issues. "If I hadn't pissed them off this wouldn't be happening. I deserve this. This is all my fault. Maybe I am the crazy one."

No, they're not going to change. They were this person before you met them and your life or your children's lives are not worth risking over "hoping" they'll get better.

Stop being afraid. No matter how far you've been isolated, there is a way out. No one is ashamed of you or thinks any less of you. There are people in your life who will be happy to help you and to know you're safe. The domestic violence hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 and is full of resources.

More than anything, this is NOT your fault. No one, and I mean NO ONE deserves to be abused. EVER. No matter what you do or how pissed off a person may be at you, it does not give them any right to hit you.

I've been there. I've been choked, grabbed, dragged, and hit. I've had remotes, water bottles, shoes, and other random items thrown at me. I've been called a bitch, dumb ass, fat, stupid, whore, pig. I've been told who I was and wasn't allowed to socialize with, what I was and wasn't allowed to wear, how much I was allowed to eat. I've been made to have sex and do things that I wasn't okay with to keep from being physically or verbally abused. I've been accused of things that I hadn't done just because he was paranoid and convinced himself otherwise.

In January of 2015, after over 3 years of abuse and leaving and coming back over and over again, I finally had the courage to do what was necessary and escape. So many times I had sworn I was done but ended up going back because I believed he would change or that I needed to make things work for our daughter. Eventually you realize that they really never will change. They change long enough to get you to come back and let your guard down again just to end up the same way. You also start to realize that "making it work for the kids" only teaches your children to stay miserable and let someone treat you horribly because you feel like you have to.

Today, I am engaged to a man who loves and respects me. My daughter is 4 years old and I have another on the way. I've finally found happiness but none of it has been easy. I now struggle with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. I'm terrified of conflict and the chance of anyone being angry with me. After finally getting my ex to leave I thought I was on top of the world... until I began processing my emotions. My anxiety was so bad that I couldn't leave my home and began to develop agoraphobia. I would spend hours each night crying over the idea that I had responsibilities that involved leaving my comfort zone the next day.

None of what I went through between being abused and the aftermath of it all was easy. But I survived. I got through it and still continue to go through it, but I'm okay. You get a little stronger each day and start to find your way back to yourself and the people you love.

I'm okay, and you will be too.

feminism
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About the Creator

Erin Colón

artistic. witchy. overly anxious. domestic abuse survivor. over-sharer. extroverted introvert. indecisive. basic. nurturer. mother. complicated.

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