You Don't Know Until You Know

Growing up as a girl, you're taught to live in fear. You're told not to dress a certain way, act a certain way, and never walk around alone at night. Don't drink, otherwise there might just be a man hiding in the bushes in a dark alley way just waiting to attack. Always make sure someone knows where you are, where you are going, and what time you will be home.

You imagine these scenarios and perpetrators as you do evil villains in a movie, but what they don't tell you is that that's rarely how it happens. You're taught to watch out for a creepy dude in a mask with a knife just waiting to pounce on your tender flesh.

Yet, statistics show that you are more likely to be harmed by a person you know, closely.

Homicides were the leading cause of death during pregnancy and the first postpartum year. Women who were African American, younger than 25 years, and unmarried were at the highest risk for homicide.

Approximately every six days, a woman in Canada is killed by her intimate partner.

Violence against women costs taxpayers and the government billions of dollars every year: Canadians collectively spend $7.4 billion to deal with the aftermath of spousal violence alone.

It has a profound effect on children: Children who witness violence in the home have twice the rate of psychiatric disorders as children from non-violent homes.

But... we women are just overreacting, right? Must be those pesky hormones. Or maybe we're just on our periods.

The tragic thing is, I can name more women off the top of my head who have been victims of rape, sexual assault, and domestic abuse than I can women who haven't.

We've seen proof of its prevalence in movements such as #yesallwomen and #metoo. So why don't we believe women when they say they are afraid? When we say this is happening? Why must we wait for men to write stories like "What Happened When A Man Signed Work Emails Using A Female Name For 2 Weeks" to believe women when we speak about how insidious sexism is in the workplace?

Why do we place victims in such a situation that they are too scared to speak out for fear of losing their jobs, or worse... their lives!

We question victim's motives, as was seen in the Amber Heard vs Johnny Depp case.

People so quick to break out their pitchforks because they just cannot stand to admit that their favourite Actor might just be a domestic abuser. It's easier to tell ourselves that she must be doing it for the money, or that she's just bitter.

We see it with entitled rapist, Brock Turner, who served only three of six months of his jail term, now appealing his sentence of having to register as a sex offender for life.

"What we are saying is that what happened is not a crime," said John Tompkins, Turner's legal adviser. "It happened, but it was not anywhere close to a crime."

We watched it all go down between Kesha and Dr. Luke, and Taylor Swift and David Mueller. (Even though I do not subscribe to her particular brand of feminism, her win in court was a real breath of fresh air.)

Why, then, does Facebook censor and ban those for saying "Men are trash," yet graphic photos depicting violence and rape against women, threats of acting on this violence, blatant racism, etc "do not go against (their) community standards?"

Honestly, it is f*cking exhausting and overwhelming to live in a society that constantly revictimizes victims and tells us "boys will be boys!"

I am sick and tired of being told we just need to change our behaviour so we don't get raped or murdered.

If I can tell you one thing, it's that learning jui jitsu (or maybe just never leaving my house) is not doing a goddamn thing to address the underlying issues, here. Maybe it would better if we just didn't exist, at all!

"Well, what were you wearing?" "Maybe if she just gave him a chance" "Why didn't she just say no?" and, my favourite, "Not all men!"

Until you live it, you cannot possibly understand why we give out fake numbers, or pretend we have a boyfriend, instead of just saying no. Because we are being murdered for it. Even then, we still hear rationalizations of it that the victim was still to blame, instead of admitting that there is something abhorrently wrong with our culture that desperately needs to change. You just don't respect us enough to take no for an answer!

Any woman who has any experience using an online dating site will tell you how quickly it goes from "Hey, what's up? You're gorgeous!" to "Why haven't you replied? I swear I'm a nice guy!" to " F*€&ing B*%$! I hope you get raped and murdered!"

If you have to tell people you're a nice guy, you're probably not. The thing about being nice is, you don't have to tell people. We aren't daft. Actions speak louder than words. We will figure it out on our own. So either live by example, or eat your words.

Yet, you speak over us and inject yourselves into our spaces when you were not even asked when we tell you we are afraid, shouting "NOT ALL MEN!" in our faces.

But if it's not all men, then why do you tell us when we are little girls that "boys only want one thing" and brandish shotguns in our prom photos to use as your Facebook photos? Why do you gift us purity rings, yet boys do not experience such "honour"? Why, when a little boy pushes us down in the mud and pulls our hair, do you tell us that "it's because he likes you?"

Perhaps, after reading this article, you might be thinking that I hate men. Yet, it's actually the opposite.

I love men enough to know they can do better than this. Men are not ravenous, wild animals who cannot control themselves. Men are smart and strong, but we need to start letting them be vulnerable and emotional, too.

Listen, I'm a mother of three children, and I've got two rowdy, strong willed, stereotypical boys. My oldest son is rough and tumble to the core, and not afraid to try stuff that makes me want to cover my eyes. But they are also so sweet and sensitive. My boy, 3, will bike circles around you, with his baby doll in his basket. He will fight with you for his autonomy, but wipe your tears away and make sure you're okay when you are sad.

My daughter is the same way. She's a stereotypical girl, but she breaks society's standards in the same way her brothers do. She may be wearing a ball gown, but she will verbally rip you to shreds and stand up for herself if you treat her unfairly.

The reason I speak out about these issues is for them, because my greatest hope is that when they are grown, and they read an article like this, that they cannot even imagine a world where we treat our boys and girls this way.

And you shouldn't care about this just because we are your wives, daughters, sisters, mothers... You should care because we are someone, all on our own.

If you're unfamiliar with the quote this comes from, it is, as such:

"You should stop defending the rapists and start caring about the victim. Imagine if she was your sister, or your daughter, or your wife. Imagine how badly you would feel if this happened to a woman that you cared about."

While I understand the idea behind it, to invoke a sense of empathy by attempting to humanize the victims so you can more easily relate to them, it doesn't really do that.

What this quote more accurately does is perpetuate rape culture, in that it is telling us that we are only valuable, as such, if we are loved by a man.

The Steubenville rape victim was certainly someone’s daughter. Ke$ha is someone’s sister. I am someone's mother. Someday, I might even be someone’s wife. But these are not the reasons why raping and assaulting us is wrong. Rape or assault, and any rape or assault, is wrong because women are people. Rape and violence are wrong, and no one should ever be raped or assaulted. End of story.

Now, I know many of you reading this article may take offense to it, and will take it as a personal attack. You will choose to cover your eyes, and plug your ears. So, I am asking you to sit in that discomfort for a while, and ask yourself, why?...

If we know better, we do better...but if we know better, why AREN'T we doing better?

Sources: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/20502288/

http://www.canadianwomen.org/the-facts/gender-based-violence/

https://www.google.ca/amp/s/amp.cnn.com/cnn/2017/12/02/us/brock-turner-sexual-assault-appeal/index.html

https://www.billboard.com/articles/business/6281722/kesha-sexual-assault-lawsuit-text-dr-luke

https://www.vox.com/culture/2017/8/11/16127214/taylor-swift-groping-trial-explained

https://www.google.ca/amp/s/m.mic.com/articles/amp/135394/14-women-were-brutally-attacked-for-rejecting-men-why-arent-we-talking-about-it

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/what-happened-when-a-man-signed-work-emails-using-a-female-name-for-a-week_us_58c2ce53e4b054a0ea6a4066