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Recently like most of the world I have been following the Dr. Christine Blasey Ford vs. Brett Kavanaugh case. It has brought a lot of women and men to speak about their sexual assault or sexual abuse experiences and why they did not report it to anyone after it happened.
I know that there are some women out there that have made up false accusations about being sexually abused or assaulted as an act of revenge. However, a woman would not put her entire life on display for the entire world to see and criticise if it wasn't true. Because women who make up false claims of rape do it for the fifteen minutes of attention they will receive, and then go back to life as normal or end up finding out what is involved and recant. Actually, a lot of victims recant their statements because they cannot handle the trauma of reliving their experience.
I have been passionately reposting statements about what is going on and I'm sure there are some people in my life who think that I am just a feminist throwing another man under the bus that has been accused of a horrible act. But what a lot of people do not know is that I have been in two abusive relationships that involved sexual abuse. This case has made me think a lot those relationships and how unhealthy they were.
I will never post details of what happened here because I cannot even bring myself to talk about the details with some of the people I know I can trust. I cannot bring myself to think about them. I couldn't even bring myself to tell my therapist when I was in regular sessions. I was in those sessions for two years.
It took me a long time to learn how to understand how healthy relationships worked. How healthy sexual relationships worked. I learned that it is okay to have a healthy sex drive and to want to be in a physical relationship with someone.
My first relationship, my boyfriend used to use guilt tactics to get me to make out with him when I didn't want to. Then he would try doing things and I would say no and he'd be persistent and then finally he'd just do what he wanted without my consent. I'd try to push him away. Sometimes I'd be successful, sometimes not.
My second relationship, my boyfriend used physical affection as a form of punishment. On days I was considered to be good, everything would be cute and sweet. But when I was considered bad, and he was in the mood physical affection was forced on me. When I would cry and say no and push him away, he would get mad at me and tell me that it was my fault anyways because I made him want to do this to me.
After that, I was completely anti-touch. I didn't even like it when my family hugged me. I wanted to control my space, I wanted to be affectionate on my term. I had also lost all trust in people and how they respected my boundaries. I just expected them to take advantage of me. I stopped being vulnerable because I didn't want to let anyone in, and have them disrespect my space or my feelings.
Why didn't I do anything? Well the first time around, when I finally came clean and told someone I was given the response "boys will be boys." The second time I was always told it was my fault so I felt that he was never truly responsible for his actions. When I finally opened up to someone I thought I could trust about what had happened to me, I was told that I was just being dramatic.
For years I believed I was nothing, and that I was worthless. No one believed that I had been hurt. It felt like no one believed that I had ever been mistreated. In that, I had absolutely no value and I didn't respect my body because no one else did.