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Why Did She Stay?

My Story of Domestic Abuse, and the Side of the Abused That Most People Who Aren't Abused Aren't Aware of

By Sophia RosadoPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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I want to tackle and answer the one question many people ask when they find out a friend, a relative, or a loved one was in an abusive relationship: Why did she/he stay? Now, I'm no expert, I'm no psychologist, but I am one woman out of many with a story to tell.

My story starts in December of 2012. I was a young high school student, attending my friend's house party that her parents were throwing. Lights and music and all my friends I knew from school were there, even a few people I didn't know. It was there that I met him. I remember standing at the top of the stairs, looking down, and seeing a young man, dark skinned, long black hair tied in a low pigtail. He was a friend of my friend who was hosting the party with her folks. Later on in the evening, when it was dying down a little, I noticed he was sitting at the bottom of the stairs. Concerned, I went to sit beside him and introduce myself. It was then I learned his name was John Doe. We became friends instantly and grew very close over time, he became my best friend. Within the following year, he wanted to know all about me; my desires, goals and dreams, my family, my weaknesses, and insecurities. It was also during that time he admitted that he loved me... on more than one occasion. However, I didn't feel the same way back, until December of 2013 when I recognized I was falling for him because I'd talk about him all the time and my friends would tease me about it. We started dating December 14, 2013.

The first year was perfect. He was a gentleman, respected me and my boundaries, made efforts for me like no other man had, he made me laugh and smile. It was almost too good to be true... because it was.

If you had come to me and told me that this young man, who was funny, determined, kind and loving, who adored me and chased after me for a year, would one day rape me, cheat on me repeatedly, constantly accuse me of being unfaithful, call me horrendous names, chest up to my father and younger brother, would isolate and control me, even from afar, I would've laughed at you, because at the time, I was unaware that the first step of domestic abuse is to CHARM AND SEDUCE THE VICTIM.

The second step is to ISOLATE THE VICTIM. This really took effect when I moved to college, he really attempted to put a thumb over my life because he had made himself the center of my universe. Now, John Doe didn't just up and say, "yeah, I need to move onto phase two of abuse where I isolate and control you," but instead, he'd say things to me like how he'd want to move us to Colorado, how he "loves me more than my own family," how he wouldn't even allow me to visit my own niece when she was born (but I went anyway).

The third step is to INTRODUCE THE THREAT OF VIOLENCE. John Doe would do this by showing off his martial arts skills when they weren't necessary, he'd also punch things like the ground, light poles, cars, etc. when he'd get mad, he would talk about how he doesn't use his "real deep voice" because he didn't want to scare me.

I remember him telling me how he punched his older sister once before, supposedly only once, but that he'd never do it again.

Now, in John Doe's defense, he never hit me, never punched me nor kicked me, but you don't have to physically hit someone to abuse them. Instead, one night, while being intimate, I called out and said "no, I don't want to do this anymore." But he persisted. Covered my mouth while trying to maintain a hold around me so I wouldn't move or escape. I remember him finishing and I was left shaking. Terrified. He saw how I was reacting, and sighed and apologized and held me as I shook and cried. This same thing happened multiple times later on.

Now, back to reason of this story, why did I stay? Well, here's the answer:

I didn't know he was abusing me.

You see, our society only portrays one side of abuse—physical—when there are also mental, verbal, emotional, and other kinds as well. We tend to think that unless he's beating you then it's not abuse. I knew that our relationship was not normal. The constant fighting and arguing, the name calling, the rapes, the cheating, the violence and threats. Not once did I see myself as the victim of domestic abuse.

Another question many victims get is why didn't you just leave? I had every reason to leave: he cheated on me, raped me, isolated and controlled me, he threatened those in my own immediate family. It's a sad question with an even sadder answer. Us victims know something you usually don't, and that is it's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser. Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is KILL HER.

Over 70% of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has left or ended the relationship.

Still we ask, why doesn't she just leave? I did, after one final argument, after one final evening of name calling and accusations, that broke my denial. I broke my chains of silence and I told everyone. My mother, my friends, my coworkers, and now I'm telling you, the reader, the internet. Why? Because this may be your story. I don't want anyone else to go through what I went through. Know the steps, know the warning signs, but above all, know you are not alone.

Abuse thrives only in silence, so speak up and speak out, and don't let anyone dim your self value and worth because believe me, in the words of my mother, "it's easier to bring someone down than to lift someone up."

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About the Creator

Sophia Rosado

Hey! My name is Sophia.

I don't have anything fancy to say other than I love Jesus, food, and writing. Hope you enjoy your stay!

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