Why Being a Man Is Not an Excuse Anymore

I recently read Andrew Sullivan’s article for NY Mag entitled, “#MeToo and the Taboo Topic of Nature” and I have to say, I’m more than a little pissed. I found this article after reading an incredible piece by Lili Loofbourow reacting to this inane “men will be men because it’s in their nature to be aggressive” column coming from Sullivan.

Loofbourow uses evidence-based research to consider the biology of men and women, instead of emotional, anecdotal nonsense like Sullivan. She explains that alongside male pleasure often comes female pain, but women are systematically taught to endure this pain so as not to ruining men’s pleasure. This can be seen time and again in high heel shoes, cosmetic surgeries, years of continued sex despite pain, and the time it takes for doctors to take women seriously about their illnesses.

I am not going to discuss the biological side, since Loofbourow did such a good job keeping her cool and giving the facts in her piece. Instead, I am going to highlight many of the issues in Sullivan’s piece because it is language like this that continues the widespread issues that have recently bubbled to the surface with Harvey Weinstein, Larry Nassar, and yes, Aziz Ansari.

Sullivan believes that feminists are ignoring biology because in every other species in the animal kingdom, males are different than females. That is true! Male humans are different than female humans too. No one is denying that. But, the problem is not that there are differences. The problem is that we, as a society, place men on a higher pedestal than women, for the most part. We don’t treat our daughters and sons the same and it is not because of biology, it is because of history.

Sullivan writes, “Is the fact that the vast majority of construction workers are male and the huge majority of nurses are female a function of sexism or nature?”

Dude, come on. Is this a real question? I can’t even begin to go into the problems with the majority of male construction workers and female nurses. How about the fact that every boy is inundated with 300 books about construction from the day they are born? Do you think that infant boy asked for a book about trucks? No, we as a society, decided he should get the book about construction. How about the overarching societal expectation that men make a mess and women clean it up? How about you take a fucking seat?

As a gay man, Sullivan thinks he knows the answer to this male/female problem, because he exists in a world where he cannot objectify or use women for his sexual pleasure. Oh, our savior! He says of the world of gay men,

“It’s full of handsiness and groping and objectification and lust and aggression and passion and the ruthless pursuit of yet another conquest.”

That’s interesting — do you think there are some gay men who feel used in this culture of conquests? Do you think that they would prefer to not be groped, and not to feel preyed upon or objectified? That is how women feel every single day.

But wait, there’s more! He admits,

“I know this must be a pain in the neck for most women. But it’s who we are… It’s called being male, this strange creature, covered in hair, pinioned between morality and hormones, governed by two brains, one above and one below.”

Is he reading what he’s writing? Is NY Mag? “A pain in the neck” is a flat tire, it is not being forced to have sex when it causes you distress, just to protect the emotions of a fragile man. And you have one brain — your hormones should not override your sense of morality. That is ridiculous. If a dog can understand “no,” even if he really wants something, you should be able to, too.

“And when left-feminism denies nature’s power, ignores testosterone, and sees all this behavior as a function entirely of structural patriarchal oppression, it is going to overreach.”

Oh your power! It’s so strong, I can’t deny it. Oh wait, I can and I will.

Sullivan attempts to speak for women multiple times in this article, despite the fact that he is not a woman and therefore, has no ability to know how women feel. He says,

“So, by the way, are the countless women who do not see this kind of masculinity as toxic, who want men to be different, who are, in fact, deeply attracted to the core aggression of the human male…”

I don’t think you will find a single woman who enjoys being put in sexual situations that she does not consent to or that cause her pain and/or distress. We are not saying that all masculinity is toxic, we are saying that masculinity that in and of itself diminishes or demeans our humanity is toxic.

His piece ends with data about how much men hate when women call out sexism. Wow, how surprising is that? Men don’t like being told that they are being misogynist pigs? I wonder why. Hey, Andrew Sullivan, how does this feel? I bet the testosterone is coursing through your veins right now while you are told off in articles, comments on your own column, and hopefully, in person.

You are part of the problem. You are making things so much worse for yourself and your fellow men who continue to put “nature” and “biology” in the center of a debate that is about society. Truly, this should not even be a debate. How about this: just start treating women like equals. End of “debate.”

I’m so tired of being told that women are fragile. Is it fragile for women to want to stop being forced into sex and sexual acts that they don’t want to do? Last I checked, sex that is not consensual is illegal. No, it is men who are fragile — men who have been standing on the top of a mountain spitting down on us and calling it rain for eternity. It is time for us to climb the mountain, too. We don’t even want to push men off, we just want to stand on top, too.