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Hello, My name is Janelle.
I contemplated writing about the dark part of my life for quite some time, I never really felt comfortable enough to actually share about it until now. This is for all the people who have gone through this, but especially for the silent victims.
I was molested as a child and never spoke a word about it until I was in high school. As a child, I didn’t really understand what was going on. I was told by the first Man to keep it a secret or I’d get in big trouble, & I did. So, when the next two men came along, I thought the same thing applied. I had no idea how much it would negatively impact me in the future. The last time it happened, I was in the 6th Grade. All three men were close family members. I shut that part out because I just didn’t want to deal with the pain, sadness and anger I knew accompany it. I didn’t choose the timing in which the door to facing that reality opened, I guess I just couldn’t hold it all in anymore. I started to think about it everyday & always felt GUILTY about it, I felt DIRTY all the time no matter how many times I showered. I felt alone because I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I was depressed and honestly just wanted to die. I started skipping class and acting out in ways that were not normal for me. My grades were starting to drop, and I didn’t care for anything in life anymore. I’d do dangerous things, got into dangerous relationships... my personality just wasn’t the same.
I started seeing a therapist, I started talking to someone I knew would keep my secret safe until I was ready to share it with other people. It was a relief, I poured my heart out to her. I cried A LOT in the process. I found relief in it, it wasn’t all gone... and it didn’t change the fact that I had been molested... but just talking about it with another person that I trusted took a lot of the weight off of my shoulders.
I am not at all writing this for any attention. I just want to basically assure EVERYONE who’s experienced molestation knows that as long as you WANT to find happiness, YOU WILL. I know it feels like you have nowhere to go or no one to turn to. Like there’s no light anywhere you look, but TRUST ME, you deserve happiness & WILL FIND IT. You don’t have to speak about it if you don’t want to, but don’t blame yourself. It is NOT your fault. I am more open about it now, because I wholeheartedly believe that silence does not help us, it helps the sicko who hurt you. It enables them to do it to others because they think they’ll always get away with it. I don’t want that to happen. In order for me to get through the pain, I found it in myself to FORGIVE them. Not for their benefit, but for the sake of MY OWN PEACE. It took me a long time to do this though.
We live in a world where unfortunately a lot of cultures would rather you keep this kind of thing to yourself. They may even make you feel embarrassed or ashamed about it but it’s WRONG.
Do whatever it is you have to do to find your peace, and KEEP ON DOING IT. You don’t ever have to see or talk to that person again, but try your best to find it in your heart to forgive them. You deserve the peace that comes with it. You deserve to be happy in life. Don’t let anyone keep you away from your own happiness. You’re already so strong to have made it this far. It’s a very sad and unfortunate thing to have experienced, but because you did... YOU WERE MADE STRONGER.
I’m sorry, I know I skipped around a lot... but the point of me writing this is to let you all know that you CAN get through it. That it’s NOT YOUR FAULT. That you have EVERY RIGHT to feel the emotions you are feeling. You are HUMAN. I just want to encourage you not to deal with it in a way that will affect YOUR life negatively, because you don’t deserve that. I’m not telling you to do the exact same deal with it the same exact way I did... talking to someone helped me. You do what YOU feel is right for YOU.
I am here for you as well, if you just need someone to talk to. I hope this helped you. You are beautiful & wonderfully made. God bless ❤️.