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I am writing this because I need to tell my story. I have been hiding this for so long and I don't want to be embarrassed anymore and feel like a victim. I don't want to have to pretend to be someone I'm not or fake a smile.
Here is a bit about me. I am 22 and I suffer from depression and anxiety, and here is how it started. When I was 18, I decided I was going on a girl’s holiday; enjoy the sun and have some freedom. However, my holiday didn't go as planned, and to get to the point quickly, I was raped. I had been out drinking with friends and I wasn't feeling well, so a few of us decided to go back to the hotel. He walked me to my room and I said goodbye at the door and went to the bathroom. Then I passed out in bed. I woke up to him on top of me with a knife to my throat. He pressed it further into my throat and told me if I screamed he would kill me, and so I just laid there and let it happen. I tried to scream so he would just kill me and I wouldn't have to live with what he was doing to me, but I couldn't. And so once he left, I got the hottest shower I could and I just stood. He took so much from me, but I would never cry over him. I had to see him a few times after it had happened, and all I could do was walk away. I didn't think anyone would believe me as I had been drinking and I was away from home, so I tried to deal with it by myself. But not only did I have to deal with the fact that I was raped, but also that he had taken my virginity.
While I had never been a romantic and wanted my first time to be special, I would rather it had happened differently. Where I went wrong in this whole situation is that I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell my friends when they came back to the apartment, I didn't tell my mum when I got home. I kept it to myself. I felt like I would be treated differently if anyone found out. For the next few years I tried to carry on like normal, but I was becoming more and more depressed. I was lonely and I didn’t feel like I had anyone to talk to, and I didn't want to put my problems onto anyone else. While this happened a couple of years ago, I am still dealing with what happened to me. I am in a happy relationship, and my boyfriend has helped me overcome a lot of my problems, but I still have bad days; days where I don’t want to go outside, days where the thought of going downstairs in the dark alone scares the life out of me because I fear he will be there, and logically I know he won’t be, but that doesn’t stop the fear. But instead of hiding like I want to, I am forcing myself to go out, putting myself in uncomfortable situations that I don’t like so I can get better. He will not control me or affect my life any more than what he has done. And so I am writing this to get my story out there; to help people who may have gone through something similar to let them know it does get better, but it takes a while. And to the people who do it, they can go FUCK themselves!!!