What No One Tells You About Sexual Assault

I used to think sexual assault was something that happened to people at the hands of strangers and in violent attacks. As I got older and heard more about the issue, I realised I was wrong and that it's more likely to be from those that you actually know. But I never would have thought it would happen to me by someone I believed to be my best friend.

You see, I don't think I've even really come to terms with this situation yet and it's almost been a year. It's something I think about every damn day and yet I've spoken to anyone about it properly—I have yet to give myself a chance to heal. I will when I am ready. I am telling my story because it will hopefully help me and others combat the stigma of assault.

It's only natural to start from the beginning, so here goes. I had a friend in school—let's call him J. So me and J were best friends for a few years and even though he was extremely problematic at times I just overlooked it as he was my friend, you know? Looking back I realise that he was just a bad person from the beginning; but hindsight is looking through a different filter. He didn't treat me well, even if that's hard to admit. He would cause problems and I'd be the one to apologise, you know? I often catch myself thinking that if I was more assertive this wouldn't have happened but that's wrong and it was not my fault.

Other things to include are that J was the person I told everything to. I'm a very closed off person and like to keep it all to myself, but I did eventually put my trust in him and it felt okay. I told him all about how uncomfortable I am in my own skin, that I cannot bear the thought of people touching me. At a darker time (which is around the time of the assault) he was the one I confided in about my self-harm.

He had just recently got into a relationship—she's a lovely girl so it was happy days. It was summer and exams had just finished, so I went over to my friend's house for some drinks. It was a beautiful sunny day and we all listened to music in the garden with whiskey. I felt on top of the world, tipsy and full of sunshine. We were high and dancing in the sunset.

As I really cannot handle my drink my friends had to walk me home after not really being too mobile anymore. When I got home I spent a few hours on the floor by the toilet—not my finest hour. I had never been so drunk. The memory is hazy but I called J around this time talking about cutting myself which is something I feel shame in, I don't know why. I told him again and again that I was fine and for him not to come, but he did.

I was just sat in bed with him and my mum over me. I don't know what they were saying. It's blurry.

I do remember what came next. He asked me for a hug and I said "but you have a girlfriend?" and his response was "what's a hug between friends?" We hugged and that's when sleep kicked in. And then pain. His fingers were... in me... and it fucking hurt. I just froze which is something I hate myself a bit for. It was horrific.

I also have a memory of him pulling me on top of him and just grinding against me. I wish I could get that out of my head, but it's stuck.

The next day I was sore and found blood in my underwear. I sent him a text asking if anything had happened and he replied, "No. we both agreed it was wrong and went to sleep." Why didn't I argue it?

I suppressed it for months after, and to some extent I suppose I still am. In my head, I thought well I didn't say no so it's okay. I also don't see it as a serious incident, like say rape for instance, so I just forced it down.

Now I cannot stop thinking about it and I'm angry. So angry.

What no one tells you about sexual assault is that it can be the people you thought loved you. Because how could the closest people in your life do that to you? What they don't tell you is the denial that comes with it, the self-hatred and blame and flashbacks. What they don't tell you is how to heal, and that no self-help book could ever make it okay.

But what they also don't tell you is that you CAN heal. They don't tell you that one day you will be able to trust someone again and you will be happy and one day you won't think about it. They don't tell you this because this is what I'm telling myself.

And this what I'm telling you. You will be okay.