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What All Girls White Lie About

Even the most honest of women are guilty of a few white lies.

Telling the truth can be hard. Luckily, it's not always necessary.  No, I am not condoning LYING, but I am saying it's OKAY to fib and withhold information here and there about the small stuff. Will anyone die if you lie about your natural hair color? Um, no. Will someone stop being your friend if they found out you lost your virginity when you were 14? Well, I hope not, but damn girl that is pretty young. Just kidding! My point is, even the most honest women in the world are guilty of telling white lies. 

Her Number of Sexual Partners

What girl wants to tell the world how many sexual partners she's had? Um, I'm going to say... NONE! In this judgmental world, even the non-judgy people are indeed judging. Let's assume and say that 10 is the socially acceptable number when it comes to a woman's sexual partner count. So anything over that number means she will most likely lie if questioned about it. Honestly, lie away girl, makes no difference to me if you slept with 20 dudes and want to claim you slept with five; just don't go slut-bashing anyone. Now, your boyfriend/husband might mind, but what he doesn't know won't kill him, unless all those interactions weren't safe.  Then you actually could kill him, SO WRAP IT UP and GET TESTED! 

Their Breast, Weight, and Shoe Size

No girl wants a size 10 shoe, A-cup breast, or a hefty number on the scale.  It's not that we aren't in touch with reality; it's just these minor issues can be major insecurities for a lady. For example, I lied about my pregnancy weight until the very end, like I'm talking "admitted into the hospital to be induced" end. When that sweet nurse asked me to jump on the scale in front of my husband, I gave her the look of death and kindly whispered, "say that number out loud and I'll hurt you."  

I also never loved that my foot was a size 8, so forget when after having two children my foot grew an entire size. The horror! A size 9? Who am I, Kobe fucking Bryant? Ridiculous, I know.  So, I lie to myself on a daily basis by still trying on all my size 8 shoes even though I know that shit won't fit anymore. 

How Often She Gets Herself Off

Masturbation is such a taboo topic. Even though as women we all know we do it, we never really talk about how often or how not often. There is no chick out there running to tell her girlfriends that she gets herself off every morning before work. There are also women who claim they never masturbate or have no need to. BAHAHA, I would like to call a major BULLSHIT on those innocent ladies. You may not have a vibrator but please don't try and say you NEVER give yourself a quick O now and again. Who cares?  It's human nature, baby. If you work out, meditate, and eat healthy to feel good then why the hell not give yourself an orgasm once in a while?

That She Climaxed

Not much to explain here. Almost all women, like I'm talking 80 percent of women, have faked an orgasm in their life, and unfortunately for most, it happens regularly. Whether it's because they just want sex to end, don't want to hurt their partner's feelings, or feel like they are abnormal for not being able to climax, orgasms from sex are one of women's greatest unsolved mysteries and most told white lies. 

How Amazing Her Children Are

Ohhhhhh, I LOVE THESE LIES!  As a mother of an adorable boy and girl and with a husband who is very hands on you would think I could easily white lie the shit out of how perfect things are, but since I'm not a total BITCH, I try not to do that. Listen, brag about your kids all day long; you should to an extent—I mean you made the damn humans–but no need to exaggerate about it. Did your kid really start reading at 3-years-old?  Probably not. Did your daughter really sleep completely through the night from the day she was born? Unless she never ate or pooped then most likely the girl woke up. Well I hate to break it to you sweetie, but you're feeding yourself lies as well as pissing off all your girlfriends. Who, by the way, may be saying things like, "Oh my God that's amazing" and "Wow, you are so lucky" when they really mean "You're lying" and "Shut the hell up!"  Sorry, not sorry!

How Much Money She Spends on Things

Whether something is $10 or $200, chicks always find a reason to lie about what they spent on something.  Sometimes it's to our husbands so we don't have to hear him complain and other times it's to our friends so we don't sound ridiculously spoiled or frugal. Honestly, no one cares what you spend as long as you aren't crying poverty or owe anyone money.  Then that shit is annoying.  #Truth.

How Much Food She Can Consume in Private

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Guilty guilty guilty.  This is less of a white lie and more of a known guilty pleasure committed by women around the world. If you have never sat alone and consumed a disgusting amount of food or even a gross combination of food, then you, my friend, are a BIG FUCKING LIAR. That's right, I am throwing F-bombs with this one. Intoxicated or not, it doesn't matter, women will never openly admit to the entire tub of cookie dough they ate or the turkey, steak, potato chip sandwich they inhaled at 1 AM. Of course, I will though.  There have been late nights where I literally took everything out my fridge and ate it all at once and of course the time(s) I finished an entire Entenmann's cake myself. It's just too easy! Anyways, eat on girl, eat on. It's your ass, not mine.

Read next: Feminism
Jus L'amore
Jus L'amore

Sometimes offensive yet mostly sweet.  Always honest and often vulgar.  I'm a wife, MILF, and everyone's homey.  From trends and sex to mom life and fitness, I tell it how it is and not how it should be.

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