We Are Survivors, NOT Broken

I am insecure; this comes from many terrible relationships that over time have torn me down. I worry too much, I apologize for silly stuff, but to me those silly things are enormous. I fear that what I wear will get them to ask me, “Why are you wearing that?” even if it is meant to be sexy clothing like lingerie. I have been programmed over the years to apologize for silly things. I question if I am even pretty enough to wear specific clothing, or if I am even worthy of talking to someone. Mental abuse is just as severe as physical abuse. Both equally change who you are as a person and shape you into something different. I still smile and laugh, but deep down I am scared and worried I might say something wrong, or my actions will warrant verbal abuse. I flinch at the slightest hand movement that comes near my face. This comes from not only the verbal abuse but physical abuse as well. I don’t reach out to many people even if I feel I could have a connection with them, I don’t like rejection, and I don’t want to bug or bother someone, so I tend never to be the first to make contact.

I share with you my past to show those who have suffered from abuse of any kind that you are not ALONE, you are not BROKEN because you fear or are careful with who you give your trust to. This makes you STRONGER, NOT weaker. Finding the right people to help build you up helps; I found the kink community after being raped, and it was the best choice I ever made. I have learned so much and have gained much of my lost confidence back. I can happily smile and talk with others without fearing that I am going to get hurt for just talking. I still have some fears, but those tend to start rearing up after having a real conversation with someone. Those connections I feel I want to seek out, yet I don’t want to push people away or bug them with over messaging them. I still tend to sit back and see what happens. I have gotten better with questioning if they just don’t like me or if they are ignoring me. I now think a bit more positive and just see if they have gotten too busy and forgot, or if they felt they messaged like many people do with texting and find out they didn’t later on. Yes, it’s tough to think positively when you want to seek out relationships; yes it takes longer than a few days to find out if someone is relationship material or just excellent friendship material. Friends are great to have. Never turn down a good friendship. They are the ones who you will be able to go to when you are unsure and afraid of something. They will tell you if someone is safe, or if they feel they are going to hurt you. Listen to yourself. If you feel something is “off,” TRUST yourself and listen!

I am a sincere person and don’t feel shame for anything I share with someone, but I always fear not being able to find anyone that can handle my triggers, or just will look at me and say “she is too broken for me to even be with happily.” I am not broken, and neither is anyone else with some past trauma that leads them to be careful and study the person who wants their affection. A person who has gone through a traumatic experience can be a lovely partner, and it just will take time. Those who have survived their past will not play mind games (some might if they have gone the opposite way depending on what their traumatic experience was). They will be more honest and will speak more with body language and facial expressions (that may take some time to understand). They will love the hardest once they trust you (but their trust could easily be broken by a lie). This lifestyle has shown me that real Dominants won’t turn their backs on a challenge (meaning they won’t let you push them away so quickly, they will want to fight for whatever relationship you are happy to give them). If they feel any connection with someone, they will do what they can to make you feel safe and unique, even if they are not your Dominant, just your friend. Having someone that shows they care is the most rewarding feeling, even if it comes from just a friend. I am still insecure in some places, and that is to be expected. Friends can only help you with so much. The rest is for you and your actual partner to work on together (in time with the right person, you will think of the past as a bad dream).

My advice to anyone who feels the same way I do or may feel even worse is this: Never give up, never let anyone tear you down (yes, it's hard, but you can do it). Always remember your voice is the most powerful thing you have. Seek out people that are happy to call you a friend or even aid you in your quest to build yourself back up.

Most of all, love you! Trust in your feelings!