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Visit to Nurse

Pap-Smear Test

I’ve come the the conclusion (as I am sure most of the ladies have out there), that having as vagina is not easy. The amount of poking that we have to endure throughout our life, wether it be from a penis, a finger or some medical device is amazing, well sometimes...

Then you still need to push out something the size of a pineapple at some stage (oh the joy).

We have some serious lady balls!

But back to my medical encounter with something that’s shaped like a beak of a platter puss. Upon arrival at the doctors room, the nurse asks her usual questions, ie: 

Any concerns or questions. Thinking nope, I just want this over!

When was your last period. I don’t know, I can barely remember why I walk into a room sometimes.

Are you one any birth control. Yes, I don’t feel like pushing out another pineapple, thanks!

I duly answer all the questions while waiting for the dreaded statement, “DROP YOUR PANTS AND KNICKERS AND LAY ON THE BED.” Bearing in mind I have done this a few times and should not feel the fear or embarrassment of having your vagina examined with spotlights. Then you see the nurse pull out the plastic beak that’s going to be inserted into you. I am not sure if I want to cry or laugh hysterically at this point. The nurse then sits down at the end of the table and says, “Just move further down towards the edge of the table.” Next you get told, “put your feet together and open your knees.” I’m thinking to myself, christ, I actually should have been a man, don’t they like their balls being the centre of attention?

Then it’s time for that plastic beak to be inserted. The nurse pipes up and says, “You need to relax and soften your pelvic muscles.” KILL ME NOW! How in the hell do you want me to relax with my vagina on centre stage?! I attempt the impossible and then get told, “We are going to have to use a smaller plastic beak as you are far too tense and tight”

First thing that goes through my head, surely you want to hear that during sex and not on the examination table! Oh well, I’ll have to let my hubby know my nurse thinks I am all tight and that.

I just want to remind you that no lube is offered during this whole ordeal, would have saved the nurse a whole of time if she offered the lube! I mean us ladies don’t just get wet at the drop of hat, I am not in my 20s anymore.

But I digress...

So we have the smaller beak device and she’s ready to insert it, but what happens...

I am still to tense and tight, who would have thought?! “Please fist your hands and push them under your bottom,”the nurse says! 

Nervous giggling ensues and I ask if what I’m doing is right and does that make it easier. Sounds like I’m having my first sexual encounter (let me die now! I just want this over, I don’t think I can get any redder than I am already!)

“Ok it’s in,” says the nurse. It’s still not over though, so don’t get excited ladies. The nurse then says, “You are going to feel some discomfort, so just relax.”

What the fuck do you think I have been trying to do while your head is between my legs looking into my va-jay-jay? Discomfort? This whole thing in uncomfortable!

Longest few minutes of my life while I wait for her to tell me she is done. Then it’s over and I am being told to clean up with the tissue supplied. You awkwardly get dressed and ask if she needs anything from you, (fuck I hope not!).

“Nope your all done and you should get your results in a couple of weeks.” I say my goodbyes and rush out like my arse is on fire.

I jump into the car and my hubby asks, “How was it?”

“Well my love, she didn’t use lube.” He pulls a face.

All I can think is, I am sure you need to go for a prostate exam, then we can compare notes!

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