Update on My Rape Case

For a while I believed that my soul was permanently shattered. I believed that what this man took from me could never be retrieved again. My pain was so excruciating physically and mentally that every day was full of new struggles. I was lost in a sea of my thoughts day after day. Running from him was something I became an expert at. However, it didn’t diminish the humiliation and pain I’d grown to live with. He lacerated the core of me and it ruined a lot of things as a result. It was of subtle comfort when the courts granted me with one year of a sexual violence protection order. The max was three years and honestly what I had aimed for. He fought it. Because of course he can’t just admit to the horrible things he’s done to me. I decided to fight after that day. No matter how afraid I was of him, he couldn’t just get away with one year of a protection order. That had to be the lightest slap on the wrist. Sexual assault is everywhere around us. The perpetrators scare their victims into keeping quiet and it’s the most disgusting thing. When I decided to fight I didn’t know it would be so hard. I had anticipated that it would undoubtedly take time but I never imagined it would take this much time. I just want the whole thing to be over.

My rapist is trying so hard to clear his name. He is going as far as to take a polygraph test in front of the trooper that is handling my case. I’m not sure when that is scheduled but I was informed that it is happening. It’s just so sad that he can’t just give me justice. I know it sounds crazy but I had hoped that he would realize that what he was trying to over up was such a putrid act and admit guilt. Sadly I was wrong. The very act of him agreeing to a polygraph angers me. He’s trying so hard to make sure that he doesn’t look bad in a situation that he threw us both into. I hope to God that he fails the test but I was told that if he genuinely believes he did nothing wrong he could pass. While this probably sounds as though it should scare me it honestly doesn’t. I could take 3,000 polygraph questions on this topic and all of them would come out truthful because I have nothing to hide about that night. It was a horrible night but I would rather re-live it to perfect strangers than let him get away with it.

Lately things have been different for me. I’ve been less sad. I’ve been less depressed and while things are still very fresh and I do still have bad days things have all around been a lot better. I’ve been working on repairing all that he’s broken. I’m working on making new friends and not being afraid of men. I had sex again. Some of my old desires linger. I’ve been thinking about what it would be like to have a baby and get married again which was very hard for me to see in my future after the rape. I’m all around just getting better and it makes me so happy.

I missed the feeling of going through a day without crying. I haven’t cried that much lately. The event is always in my mind. It’s always the first thing I think about when I wake up. But hopefully this man gets what he deserves. I’m going to be documenting the whole experience throughout the trial if in fact it goes to trial. I want to raise awareness of the subject. Rape is not okay and it never will be. And the second we fight back regardless of the outcome, we win. Win with me.