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It's always a really hard thing, talking about abusive relationships. A lot of people try to hide it and just push it to the side. I know what it's like when you first meet your partner and you fall in love because of how amazing, funny, cute, and exploring they are. It's funny how they like to trap you in a box because you have that hope that, one day, they can actually change.
First it starts with taking away all your close friends and loved ones because they are a "bad influence" or "you like him," etc. Then they start pointing out all your imperfections just to low-key remind you how no one will want you because of all those flaws...All of a sudden, he tells you to move in and you don't want him to feel bad so you just go for it thinking things will get better when you do...Then the arguing starts and it becomes more and more intense...That's when you just start getting used to the fact that that is the way a relationship is and that it's a normal thing. You don't have to be living with each other to be going through this, trust me.
One day, I went in the room and I remember him walking in and he tried to hug and cuddle me, but I was so angry I told him, "Get away, I just want to be alone!" He got up and we started arguing, and all of a sudden he grabbed my neck and started chocking me and telling me "I'm going to kill you" while he hit the back of my head. I never called the cops because I didn't want to ruin his career as a mechanic. That was stupid of me. I'm the kind of person that doesn't bruise easily, so when I would tell him I was calling the cops, he would say "where's your proof?"
Yet I stayed because my excuse was that I had no place to go. Yet people were offering me a place to stay, but I was just not ready to leave. I loved him, how could I leave? He would always give me money afterwards to go shopping as an apology, and I just felt so used and horrible about myself when he would do that. When I did leave, he would text me beautiful messages about how he was so sorry and how it's never going to happen again, and how he just wants to be a family, and how much he loves and cares for me. I would always fall for it. Let me just tell you...that isn't love!
It started off as once in a while, then...I remember the day I found out I was pregnant from him, and that really made me stay for so much longer because "the baby." Well let me tell you, my baby is better off with one parent that loves him than two parents that hate each other. The reason why I finally left was because I learned to love myself. I learned to not fear the future but trust in God that everything was going to come in his perfect timing like healing, confidence, and love—real love. Let me just be honest...is our biggest fear leaving that other person, or is it our fear of being alone? It's time you stopped thinking about what others are going to say and start thinking about yourself.