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Unfiltered

I’ve been living a filtered life, a life that most of us wish we had from the looks of it.

By Brianna OPublished 5 years ago 6 min read
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I’ve been living a filtered life, a life that most of us wish we had from the looks of it. My life is not perfect, but I almost put on an act to make it seem like everything is “okay.” From having the most laid back job, which is has decent pay, to traveling recently for my music. People that don’t really know who I am, but know me on social media keep telling me, “ you must be living the life, you’re traveling all over the place now.” And trust me, I am not trying to make it seem like I am ungrateful for it. I am completely grateful for it, but I have worked my ass bussing tables and taking orders from people who yell in my face, but I still have to put a smile on my face and do what I am told, but i’ve grown such a thick skin for people who treat others below them to not bother me because at the end of the day they are really not happy in their lives themselves.

I guess what I am trying to say when the trips and the fun is over, at the end of the day I am still not fulfilled. When something good comes along it’s almost hard to take in, because I know it won’t last for that long. People wonder why and say, “ why, you’re such a beautiful girl, you’ve got it all,” or “everything is going to be fine.” From the sounds of it I sound like a miserable mess, trust me all my friends know that when they see me i’m smiling and laughing. All I want is for people to have a good time. But to me, I’ve recently discovered that I’ve put a filter on not only on my social media, but to my emotions and myself.

To have this story make a little more sense let me take you back to my childhood. I was born in Toronto, but moved to Vancouver at the age of four, moved back and forth, due to my parents separation, and finally settled for a couple years in Vancouver at the age of ten. Two years later I woke up to my older sister telling me that our mother had a heart attack and went to the hospital that morning. I don’t know how I slept through the paramedics coming into our home, but till this day at the age of 21 it's still been hard for me to sleep properly. My mother was 42 years old, and it turned out that she had artery disease, which went undetected and had five bypasses which is a lot for someone her age.

I drank my way out of the pain I was feeling when I was only twelve years old, only to realize at the age of fourteen “my mother would not be proud of me.” Soon after my father’s friend named Kirk had moved in. My father was a cook from Sweden, and his friend had convinced him to come to Canada at the age of 17, then he met my mother in Toronto, ON. Him and I built a great relationship from the beginning. He spent time with me and treated me like his own daughter, I felt loved. Until I started to date my first boyfriend of two and a half years. I started spending more time with him and started being a teenager, going out to parties, having parties and falling in love. But things changed, for the worse. It still rings in the back of my mind when Kirk yelled at me after his seventh drink “if it wasn’t for me you would have never been born, I own you,” pushing me into the kitchen counter and I called the cops on him. I came home from school every day and he called me names and said that I am worthless and I had sleepless nights because he would come into my room and sit next to my bed crying and saying he was sorry. I still won't ever forget the time when we were sitting next to each other watching a movie and he told me, "open your legs" I looked at him and said "do what?" He realized from the alcohol and marijuana he had told me his thoughts.

At the age of fourteen when you have lost your mother and don't have a father figure around because he’s too busy dabbling in his same mistakes of sleeping with women you kind of loose yourself in a way. You wonder if this is it, if this is how things are suppose to be. The last memory I have that night living under my fathers roof with my brother was me pushing my back against my bedroom door, and my foot on the wall so Kirk, my fathers friend, wouldn’t get in while he was on the other side crying and saying he was sorry for everything he’s said. That was the night I called my best friends father, Nico. At the age of fifteen years old his family took me in as one of their own. They showed me what it was like to have love within the family, to really feel what love feels like and should feel like. His dad was the most loving and caring soul I had in my life, and I looked up to him as a father too, every morning before work he would come lie next to me and sleep next to me before saying his goodbyes to head to work until one morning I said goodbye to myself. I remember him touching me in places I should be touched, I was awake through all of it but as a lot of women that don't know what to do in that situation I froze. He never went that far to ever do anything to me, but thats what his intentions were. Every time he would get close to touching me in places I didn't want to be touched and hugged my stomach tight that my pants wouldn't slip or he could slip in them. I had to sleep with my eyes open when four AM came crawling around. Until this day I haven't told a soul because i've buried these memories and shame that I still feel.

I have put a filter on my life and emotions ever since telling myself that, "its okay, this will pass." The moments may pass, but the shame and hurt and anger you have will always still be there. As a woman that is still figuring out myself I would never want any woman or man go through these situations. You may build a thicker skin, but you still filter whats really buried behind that mask of yours. Your relationships back then with friends, family, lovers affect who you become and who you surround yourself with and who and what you think is "right." I can honestly say I still feel lost and still peeling away this filter of mine and it all starts with letting people know what is going on and to not be afraid to speak up about what you have gone through.

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About the Creator

Brianna O

Musician from Toronto, ON

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