Trans Feminism

Born into a time when feminism was seen as a radical movement and into a body which made me feel awkward about my gender identity, I didn't have a clue what it meant to be a woman. For three decades I suppressed my sexuality. Growing up in a time when anything but heteronormative was seen as sinful and socially denied, I didn't come out as bisexual until I was 30 years old.

I was never an alpha male type. Raised by a single mother, I always identified with the gentler, more fem approach to humanity. I was emotionally-driven and artistic. I looked up to strong independent, women, not masculine, dominant men. Tori Amos, Bjork, The Cure, The Smiths... those that sang the soundtrack to my suppressed identity. I admired feminist rock stars like Kathleen Hannah from Bikini Kill and bands like The Dance Hall Crashers. I never was attracted to the over-sexualized female forms. Instead I found myself attracted to wild, independent, radical, riot girls!

I loved women with fierce intelligence and fearless courage. The Patti Smiths and Joan Jetts. The Bianca Buttholes and Donita Sparkses. I dated women who reflected that courage... with "fuck you" in their eyes and more clit than most men have balls.

But no matter how I tried to fit into male stereotypes I never felt I belonged. The best I could do is act like a punk rock kid and be as rebellious as possible. I did a lot of drugs and had secret same-sex affairs, fearing being ostracized from other males for my feminine traits. I mustered up all the masculinity I could find to try to fit in as a U.S. Army Soldier and later as an inmate in a violent prison. Yet, others still saw through my farce... my mask. I was too gentle and submissive to fool anyone.

At 30, I was coming out of a marriage and 28 year relationship. That's when I decided to look deep within and find myself. I started by expressing myself more femininely. I wore nail polish and cut my hair like Tank Girl from the 90s graphic novel. I began to date men and came out to my family. That was freeing but it wasn't quite the transformation the unveiling that I deeply needed.

All my female idols were radical, outspoken, strongly feminine, intelligent, independent, wild women! And I was meek and frail... girly and gentle. I lived that way exploring my sexuality freely... drugs and sex took me to dark places. Self-loathing and self-destructive habits nearly killed me and drove me mad. I began to use sex as a powerful way to manipulate men. And I lied to myself and told myself that that sexual empowerment, though unhealthy and reckless... was my own feminism. How disgusting I was in my self destruction. It would take more time and soul searching to uncover the woman inside me. I went from bi-sexual to pansexual and began preferring trans-woman.

Oddly enough, I was listening to Rocky Horror one day when I heard Tim Curry say, "What ever happened to Faye Wray..." Those of you know the rest of the lyrics know the nature of the revelation I had next. The femininity... the feminism... that I found so attractive wasn't sexual in nature. It was jealousy! I wanted to be fiercely independent, fearless, and wild. I wanted to burn my metaphoric bra and embrace my metaphoric menstruations, the qualities of womanhood that a male-driven misogynist, misfit couldn't honor without sexualizing. I wanted to be those rebellious pioneers of feminism in every way, shape, and form.

And then it hit me. I was them. I was only masquerading as a man. Trapped in a body with no breasts and a penis... All I had to do is let go and be the woman I was born to be. All I had to do is stand up and be the feminist... the wild, riot girl that I always was and always will be.

Now, at 37 years old, I begin my physical transition. I wake up to do my makeup with bright pink mohawk and an Indian print skirt. Nails polished and body shaved... not because society says so and not because they say I can't. I do these things and because I need to nurture the woman I am... and do it in the way I want. Because I am fearless, independent, I am trans-woman... I am the face of trans feminism!