Toxic Love

Have you ever fallen so deeply in love with another human being, to the point you begin to not recognize the toxic behaviors, actions, and statements? Have you ever had such a deep connection with someone in which their touch, presence, and breathing is almost as if it is your heartbeat? There is this strange craving for your significant other, beyond more than just sexually, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I loved him more than I could possibly ever explain, let alone even share with you in that manner.

I still feel his lips pressed against mine, taste the saltiness of his skin, and his scent still finds a way to linger through my nose. The shitty thing about it is, I can't even walk into my room without seeing the flashbacks of him being so ignorant of my boundaries and having no self-control. I saw the way he looked at me, slowly changing from his girlfriend to his possession. The obsession he began to have frightened me, so I distanced myself, but that wasn’t enough. Nothing I seem to do is ever good enough, at all. The love I had for him is the same way I feel about him to this day. He was a depressed soul in a nutshell. In a way, he expressed himself to be angry. But was he really depressed, or was he just manipulative? I still ask myself that question and it has been one whole year.

I remember the first time I laid my eyes on him, I swore he was the one. I told all my friends I was cuffing him. We were in the lunchroom and I walked past his table and I saw him stare me up and down like he was interested. I went out of my way to walk past him, waiting for him to say something to me for a whole week. Finally, he messaged me on Facebook and we got to talking and I ended up falling so madly and deeply in love, I was blinded by such a toxic love. One day, he popped me the question if I would date him. Of course, I said yes.

It was the first month that I realized dating him had been a mistake. I should have ended it rather than hoping it was just how he was acting in front of his friends. The day he decided to forcefully try to finger me under the table in front of all his friends destroyed me. For god´s sake, it had only been the second day of dating. I had already been mistreated by others, and I did not need more. I figured since I had talked to him about how uncomfortable that made me, and that when I say no... it really does mean no, he would understand. He told me he understood and then apologized for how disgusting and very ignorant his actions were.

A month passed within our relationship and he began furthering his actions to a much more extreme extent. Moments from being choked out up against a wall, to being thrown on a bed in demand to stay down while he penetrated me. The pain was unbearable. All I could think to do was yell "no," praying to god someone would save me from this terrible love. I promised myself I would end our relationship, but the next thing I knew was...six months had passed by already after numerous attempts at breaking up with him. He would either manipulate me into getting back together with him, say he would kill himself, or how he would cut. It destroyed me because those two areas are sensitive because I have been through the whole mental illness bullshit.