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OK, I’m just going to put this out there, I am guilty of most of these at some point or another in my life, and I’m pretty sure most of the girls I know are too, but that doesn’t make it OK. I noticed a couple of years ago how toxic some of my friendships with my girlfriends were. We compete, we compare, we bitch, we moan, we attention seek.
When I was at the height of my career in adult entertainment, my friendships were fragile at best. I lost sight of my true friendships as I was so wrapped up in this world that they weren’t part of, they didn’t truly get it, even though they tried. My friendships within the industry were generally built on either a mutual hatred of the same performer or a mutual of the same experiences. We could relate to each other, which was refreshing. I needed girls to talk about all the things my body was doing and not doing, I needed girls that did the same work as me so we could compare notes, but at the core of most of these friendships was competition.
When I left the industry to pursue music and fitness, I only stayed close to four girls from the industry, changing my lifestyle also let me see the things I and so many other females are doing that are detrimental to our friendships, relationships, and ourselves. So here is a list of things that women should really stop saying to each other...
'When do you think you’ll get married?'
I have been with my other half for almost four years. I love him very much and yes, I would love to marry him. I see my friends getting married and as each one walks down the aisle, friends and relatives turn to me and ask: "So… when are you getting married?" Each one with good intentions, each one genuinely wanting me to also find the happiness that my friends have found…each one putting me in an awkward and uncomfortable positions. Particularly if my partner is sitting next to me. I truly hope we do get married. I love weddings and I have planned mine since I was a little girl, but I don’t know when we will…. it is also important to note here that some girls (shock horror) don’t actually want to get married. They don’t care, they don’t believe in it, they are happy with their relationship and don’t want to change anything…more and more couples choose not to take the plunge. Getting married is SO expensive, and my generation are the first generation on record that will be worse off financially than our parents (with a few exceptions). Most couples in this day and age will have to make the choice between the wedding or the house, the wedding or the car, the wedding or a holiday, the wedding or kids…. life is SO expensive for us. While getting married is a very real dream for me, at this moment in time, we financially couldn’t do it as we juggle two mortgages and dogs with health problems and living/surviving in central London.
'Why are you single?'
This one is just SO rude. Why would you ask this? I know that, at times, girls say this as a sort of twisted compliment; for example, if they see an attractive girl, or a girl with a great job, or a successful female that is unattached, they instantly wonder why a man hasn’t snapped them up, never thinking maybe she had her heart broken, maybe she doesn’t want to be with just anyone, maybe she is career driven and doesn’t have the time for someone else bullshit… or maybe, just maybe… she’s just living life and she’s happy...and if Mr. Right happens to show up that’s great, but she isn’t running from bar to bar in louboutins scanning the scene desperately for anything that has a penis. Leave her be.
'You’re so skinny.'
Don’t ever get it twisted. I love it when people say this to me, but I have serious body issues. I suffered with bulimia on and off from the age of 13 - 22. I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with my body (mainly hate, I’m ashamed to say), but where we used to be told by the media that being super thin was the desired body shape, we now live in a time where all shapes and sizes are celebrated. Fat shaming is one of the worst things you can do. You wouldn’t say “you’re so fat” to someone, so why say “you’re so skinny?" Where I love hearing that I’m skinny, I have slim friends that have always been petite and longed for big boobs, a big bum, a few curves, to them, hearing “OMG you’re so skinny” is disheartening.
'Men won’t like you if you…'
This one gets me the most riled up. “Men won’t like you if you don’t wear heels,” “Men won’t like you if you don’t wear make up,” “ Men won’t like you if you get too thin,” “Men don’t like girls that are tom boys.” I’ve heard all of these throughout my life and guess what? I don’t care. I like wearing trainers and having a fresh, clean face and being the size I desire for myself, and doing boyish things like parkour and listening to heavy music and wearing tracksuits. I like all those things. I also have an incredible boyfriend that I am approaching four years with. He LOVES me, and I do everything my way. I would never change for a man, because if a man doesn’t love you for you, then what are you doing?!
However, the main issue with this statement, the big fat elephant in the room, is this: In an age where we strive and fight and work for equality, we want to be considered equal to men. We want the same rights, the same pay, the same jobs. We STILL say things like this to each other, beating the same image into our generation that has been the problem with every generation before. “You are nothing without a man.” "You NEED a man to complete you, so do things that a man might want." What the fuck? No. Do you. A man will come when you want him and you can decide if he is worthy of your love and time.
'She probably slept with him to get that…'
Ladies, ladies, LADIES, if we want men to stop slut shaming us, we really need to stop doing it to each other. Why not say, "it’s great she got that, it’s about time a woman got that position, that festival slot, that magazine cover," rather then assuming their genitals were given to a man and somehow bought them that privilege. Like their hard work and intelligence weren’t enough to land them a certain role.
'I’m so fat…'
Just stop. Stop putting yourself down, stop fishing for compliments. I say this EVERY DAY and it’s such a negative way to see yourself. This a note to me and all my beautiful friends that self loathe, that look at Instagram models and wonder why we don’t look like that. Instagram is a highlight reel, its not real life. You are beautiful. Stop comparing.
'Girl’s are crazy.'
When we say that, it just gives guys the right to say it. Over time, they cheat or lie and their girl gets upset. "Girls are crazy." It's not true. It's not fair, and it needs to stop. Let's start lifting our sisters up instead of treading them down. If we don't stick up for each other, who will?