The Perfect Body

As a human being, I struggle with the way my body looks. I can confidently say that every single human being (males and females) struggles with this concept. It is literally engrained in our minds at a young age that we all need to be thinner, toner, and tanner in order to be better. That is just society, social media, and celebrities in today’s society, and I feel as though it's just getting worse and worse with Instagram models blowing up your news feed.

I grew up as a “bigger” girl. I honestly believe I have body dysmorphia since any time I do actually look in the mirror (which is very infrequent), I am surprised that I am actually thinner and prettier than the image in my mind. As a little girl, I never looked in the mirror. I also had very conditional friends and no boys were interested in me in grade school/high school. I started, at an early age, associating this idea that if I was smaller, more boys would want to be my boyfriend and the popular girls would invite me more places. This idea, at such a young age, led to a very anxious little girl. At a very early, (around eight to nine years old) I entered into a very codependent friendship with a girl. It was very conditional. She was very rude and mean to me and instead of leaving and finding new friends, I would find different ways to handle her behavior because I wanted her attention so badly. This happened for years; when we were good, I was happy. When she was mad at me or not talking to me, my life turned upside down. It was very unhealthy and traumatic for a child to go through a friendship such as this at such a young age, and it lasted for over a decade.

Then I moved away, and we lost touch… thank God, honestly. But the cycle continued. For years I continued to get into emotionally abusive and codependent relationships. Relationships in which I continually gave and gave just to receive nothing in return. Relationships that had fights that spiraled out of control, where I questioned my reality that, still to this day, traumatize me. Relationships that damn near killed me trying to save them, when he just lived his best life barely thinking about me. During the small amount of time that I was single throughout my younger 20s, I’d look around at a bar or restaurant and my inner dialogue to myself is, "That guy wouldn’t like me," "He likes thin girls," or, "Maybe when I lose 10 pounds, I’ll give that guy my number." It is self-sabotaging thoughts such as these that gave me so much anxiety and made my daily life painful and miserable for years.

It wasn’t until I had a very difficult conversation with my then best friend that these body image insecurities came out. I never vocalized these insecurities. I always kept them to myself, so much so that I believe that it moved into my subconscious mind so my conscious mind couldn’t open up about it. I finally talked to him about these thoughts and ideas. Once I started talking to him and opening up, I couldn’t stop. I then opened up to my therapist, my mom, my other friends, and my family members to try to gain some perspective. I feel like I started to become more comfortable in my own body. For anyone who has felt as though they are not at home in their own body, there is hope. It's a painful experience, but rewarding when you can finally say you feel better. During this time, I saw a lot of people’s true colors. People who really loved that I was not that outspoken confronted me when I started to become more confident. People who left because they couldn’t understand that I was doing what I wanted to do without really needing validation from anyone. I finally feel like I am at the place where I removed all these toxic people and feel more at ease with myself.

There are two very important things I learned by opening up about this insecurity: First, everyone perceives their body differently. I remember I would hear a skinny girl complain about her life, weight, or boy problems and I would think, "What is your problem... you are gorgeous and have an amazing body… what is there to complain about?!" But even skinny girls have body image insecurities that they have to conquer (not just us thick girls). Second, which made me feel sad, once I started to open up about my body image, other friends told me about their insecurities, and most of these people are females. These are females that I thought were the most confident people in the world, but really, they hid all these insecurities from the world. It’s sad to say, but at such a young age, females were given this expectation of what we need to look like and how we need to act. We were told via movies, music, older generations that we have to have a boyfriend and develop a family or you are less than. Which is not the truth at all, because females are so much more than just a gender made for reproducing and finding your "perfect" match.

At the end of the day, you need to be confident in how you look right now. Even if you would like to lose a few pounds (or even gain some), true happiness, confidence, and high self-esteem doesn’t come with wishing for change, but accepting your body exactly the way it looks. It comes from being completely vulnerable, transparent, and open with yourself and others in your life. I challenge everyone to think of something they are insecure about and talk to a supportive person that will allow you to reflect and really start to get to the core of an issue you continue to have.

It’s taken me a long time, but I’m starting to be proud of my body. I absolutely love my curves and wouldn’t have it any other way. My goal is that all young girls find a role model of a confident, secure woman that is willing to have these tough conversations in order to help the next generation because we can’t keep living this way. People of all ages, genders, races, and weights should be proud and accept their beautiful body exactly the way it is at this moment.