The Loved Less Swine

Hi, my name is Debbie, and in 2005 I was sexually assaulted by my ex boyfriend. I never reported it, because I guess in many ways I thought I deserved it, especially for how I treated him in the beginning of our relationship, which was horrible. I was head over heels for him, but by the time I realized it, he was gone and I’d pay for that for years to come.

Anyhow, I didn’t know how to handle a real relationship at the time. I was young and a single mother and by then, I had gone through too much already in my life, so having someone didn't feel right.

I guess I was used to being alone and disappointed. I never thought I’d be so lucky to have someone to love me, or so I thought it was love. I believed that he truly loved me and at the time this happened, I just thought he made a mistake.

Also, he knew people, bad people and I had a child to think of and now, now that the statute of limitations is up, it's too late.

Even if I could report it now, I don't think I would. I don't want to do it out of spite, I want to do it because it was wrong and reporting it is the right thing to do. Also, believe it or not, I forgave him.

I forgave him years ago, but every single time I see him, whether in person or through social media, or even hear his name, all that pain comes right back with every single thing that I experienced from him.

Turns out, however, that I didn't deserve it after all. It took me years to finally realize that, to see that and to admit that to myself.

We continued seeing one another, off and on, for many years even afterwards. Why, you ask? I don't know. Call it love, stupidity, whatever, but I made a conscious decision to keep going back to keep getting my heart broken by this man.

Recently it hit me and it hit me like a ton of bricks that for years he manipulated me, victimized me, used and abused me, took advantage of me, even gave caused me permanent physical impairments. Things I'll have to live with for the rest of my life and caused me not only physical but emotional pain as well.

Yet, I still loved him. For me, he could do no harm and he was just misunderstood. Again, what was I thinking, you ask?

I have absolutely no idea... but what I do know now is that I wasted not only time, but money, tears, my body, soul, life, hair brushes (which I won’t get into) and my jawbone into this man. Not just that, but everything that I had and all who I was.

Things that can’t be bought, or replaced, the most valuable things, I lost to this man. Most importantly, I lost myself.

He saw me simply as a piece of trash, I mean; it has to be that, right? For someone to never truly see you, value you, or what you bring to the table. The sacrifices that you make, made, day in and day out, for them and not give a damn.

That can only mean one thing: that they see you as nothing and that’s what trash is, isn’t it?

My sharing this with you, my story, is because I know that other women went through this, are still going through this right now, right at this very moment.

Crying, and wishing, hoping and praying, that he’ll wake up one day soon and realize what he has, or what he's lost and that he’ll change, but how? But why? When? And for you?

The one he’s been riding like a God damn horse this whole time? From my experiences, I can tell you that without a shadow of doubt that he’s who he is and he's never going to change.

My question to you is when is enough enough, exactly? When you end him, because you’ve given him your all and have absolutely nothing left? Because you’re now empty inside and hate yourself and the world, or when he ends you?

He never wanted you to begin with, but you just can’t let him go, so now this is the only way to truly get rid of you once and for all, knowing that he too caused all, or most of, your hurt, pain and misfortune.

Let bygones be bygones? Yes, because violence is never the answer. It’s just an ending where no one wins, but everyone losses.

Don't end up like me. I'm all screwed up now and he won. He managed to steal my heart, not just once, twice, or even three times, but forever; at least, it felt like it, and kinda still does in many ways.

He even stole my abilities to bear children ever again. I was in love with this man for over 12 years and I’m finally over him, finally, but the pain remains.

My heart though, I'll never get that back and if I ever do, it will never be the same. In fact, I lost it along with losing myself.

Doesn't have to be you, though, or your story too, but I hope this inspires you.

Inspires you, because sexual assault is a crime and a horrible and disgusting action for anyone to experience, something no one should have to ever endure, never have to accept, never have to even try to forget, and you didn't deserve it.

Love can be blind but without it, life's not worth living, and you not only find it from a man, but your children, family and friends; either way, you will be loved.

You need to be strong, but not only to be strong — to be so strong, that you can move the hell on and never look back again.

Trust me, he doesn't deserve you and you deserve better.

12 years is a long time to be in love by yourself. Writing this made me realize that; I guess I didn’t forgive him after all, and that’s okay, because I need to forgive myself first.

Thanks for reading guys! And please, keep your heads up.