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The Events Following My Rape

These are the events that followed me being sexually assaulted on a college campus.

By Ann JacksonPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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The numbness was snatched away when the doctor inserted this plastic instrument inside of me. I tried not to yell, attempted not to complain at the first sign of pain but all of a sudden I felt like a monster was inside of me and it just kept getting deeper and deeper inside of me. All of a sudden all I felt was pain all I saw was red. All of a sudden I felt like he was inside of me again. I felt like I was being raped all over again. All around me, a bunch of strangers keep telling me to hush that it’ll be okay. But thats a lie, I know it will not be ok. In this exact moment I wanted my birth giver, the only person who could help soothe my soul but somewhere after the red wore off I remembered she’s dead. I called my aunt hoping she can provide some kind of solace for my already crippled psyche, along with my body. None is provided, kinda hard to reach out when my hands seem to be permanently glued to my sides. I don’t know how I cope. I just do, I push everything down until I am alone. Until it all comes vomiting back up, I wanna scream. I wish I didn’t tell the people I care about the most because I feel like they don’t look at me the same anymore b/c they don’t. I don’t want to silently suffer but I know no other way. Every time before this, my feelings were disregarded not by the people who care about me the most but by the people who were supposed to care about me the most but didn’t. Or couldn’t or whatever excuse we’re making for them today. I cried in the shower today because I tried to talk to God, and he didn’t talk back. Or maybe I couldn’t hear him over all the sobbing, I turned the lights off for my shower today b/c it seemed easier. Today I saw red and swallowed shattered brokenness. Today I took 8 different pills to prevent pain, pregnancy, and infection. Today loving the world was as hard as loving myself. And I don’t feel strong enough for either.

This morning I woke up because I was tired of being tired. I silently headed to the bathroom, while throwing the tissue into the toilet I noticed blood. Not just a little trickle of blood, but the blood was the toilet bowl. I’m unsure of how I'm supposed to handle this. I looked it up online and it says that I must be bleeding from my urinary tract. So I go back to sleep. My boyfriend's dad comes in with McDonald, I don’t have the heart to tell him I haven’t eaten McDonald’s in years. I nibble at the hash brown. I drink all the water that is provided, I go back to sleep. In my sleep, I dreamt about “him” coming back, about “him” being upset and coming to harm me because I ruined him. I’m not trying to ruin him, I’m not even trying to think about him. At the most, he’ll have to transfer schools. The doctor hinted about me having an STI but because she couldn’t get a swob she’s unsure. They tried to give me a shot but I was/am so damn tired. I was in so much pain, and the shot would come from a long needle that would go into my hip. I hadn't been afraid of needles for years but yesterday was just scary. I was scared, I wanted someone who would comfort me. Who would know what do, how to love me without sadness in their eyes. Who would teach me about power and reassure me I still had some left. I wanted someone who was wiser than me, warmer than me. Who could hold my hand as tightly as possible. Someone who would make me feel like I was at home, and not so alone. Someone who would put ointment on m hives, I’ve got hives all over my body. I feel like this isn’t my body, I want to sleep. Sleep until I wake up and this isn't happening, till I can go into work. Till I can go to class and focus. Until I can lay this body that doesn’t feel like mines to rest. Until I can get my boyfriend to stop crying until people can stop trying to have heart to hearts with me. Until the spike of sudden “Prevent sexual assault on campus” emails from my college can stop.

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