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The Difference

The word 'No' doesn’t mean 'convince me!'

The word “No” doesn’t mean “convince me!" I just wish I lived by that saying. Today, I want to call 911 and tell them how my boyfriend has been using me as a slave instead of a girlfriend for three years. He beats me. He calls me ugly every time I put on makeup to hide the scars and bruises he leaves me with. He calls me a hoe even though I’m the one catching him, exterminating the term “fidelity” from his vocabulary. After he beats me, he always says, “I’m sorry, you know I love you,” but those words have lost meaning for the both of us. If he loves me, then what was the point of using me as a punching bag? Is a black eye supposed to resemble his love for my eyes? Is my broken nose supposed to say he thinks I’m beautiful? Is my beaten up face supposed to let people believe that he’s abusing me out of love? Abusing me didn’t make me love him more, it made me stop. He made me afraid of him and ashamed of myself.

I thought he was different. I thought he was the one. I thought he would be the one I would marry. I thought he loved me, but I was completely wrong. If he loved me, he never should’ve abused me. If he loved me, he would’ve loved me, but he never did. He never loved me, he just loved what he was doing to me. I should’ve known.

I should’ve known he was a red flag when he started treating his bottles of liquor better than the way he treated me. I should’ve known he was too good to be true when he started replacing kisses with black eyes. I should’ve known he never respected me when he started raping me. I tell him no every time, but I guess he thinks that no means “I’ll shut up and let you do whatever you want to my body!" I wanted to run away from him many times, but he said that if I try to leave him, he’ll kill me.

As much as I want to be brave, I’m terrified. I can’t live like this anymore. I shouldn’t have lived like this to begin with. I can’t live with a man who would rather hate me instead of respect me. I can’t live with a man who can’t handle loving a woman more than loving a liquor bottle. I can’t be with a man who thinks that hitting a woman improves his masculinity. What kind of man would have so much disrespect towards women that he thinks hitting them would make them respect him? My body was not made for it to be beaten, but he made me believe that it was. But after three years of dealing with him and realizing that he never loved me, I’m finally leaving him for once. He’s not going to care that I’m leaving, he’s going to be upset that I don’t want to be his victim anymore! I don’t care how many times he cries out my name. I don’t care how many times his drunken body tries to harm me. I don’t care how many times he pretends to apologize. I don’t care how many times he says he loves me. If he loved me, he wouldn’t have abused me physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally! If he loved me, he wouldn’t have disrespected me. If he loved me, he would’ve loved me.

He never loved me, he just loved what he was doing to me. There’s a difference. 

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The Difference
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