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The Controlling Fear

No one believes me

That night was the night that changed my life forever. Changed my view on men and even changed the way I walk around town. I would have never gone to that dance if I knew what was going to happen. Now, every time that I see him, my body goes cold and I struggle to catch my breath. That monster ruined my life for good and there is no changing that now. I just wish that someone would believe me when I tell them the truth about him.

The whole town decided to choose sides about who was right, and apparently, I am on the wrong side. Ever since I tried to tell people what happened that night, I am looked at as a traitor and a monster. I shouldn’t be the one looked at as a monster, he should be. He was the one who hurt me. I guess the town doesn’t care about that though since his father is the mayor. He is mister good boy that could do no harm in the eyes of all the citizens here besides me. I know what he did, and who he is or who his father is doesn’t change his actions in my mind.

My memory is patchy of that night, memories or details coming back at random times. Almost every time that they do, it takes me down a downward swirling staircase to a deep, dark hole of no return. My anxiety spikes and I pull myself away from the ones that are closest to me because of the fear that they will hurt me just like he did. I do it to protect myself even when it is bizarre or an overreaction of the situation. I don’t ever want to be hurt like that again. He literally took a part of me and laughed at it when I told him, "No."

Every night I stay awake scared to sleep or even close my eyes with the fear of his hands touching me. The feeling of being forced down by a man who is 50 pounds heavier than you makes your body feel weak when you have no energy or strength to lift him off of you. The feeling of his hands pulling at your clothes as you try to wiggle away. It takes a toll on you after awhile. Especially when you are looking into his eyes, looking for some kind of light when there was none to be found.

I remember getting ready in my beautiful, baby blue gown, excited about going to my first dance. My excitement glazing over my anxiety so that I could enjoy the night. My friends pulled up in a van and we started on our journey to the high school, our excitement level rising the closer that we got. When we entered the gym doors, it was like we got transported into an old masquerade ballroom, everyone having a mask that hid their identity as we pulled ours on.

The night was going well till the slow songs came on and the guys had to ask different girls to dance with them. I never thought that one of those guys could do something as horrible as raping an innocent girl like myself. He pulled me away from the dance and pushed me into the janitor's closest. I pulled his mask off not knowing what else to do. I froze. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t move. I looked up into his eyes, fear sinking into my chest and my heart. He pushed me onto the ground and pinned me under his body, using all of his weight so that I couldn’t move. The next thing I felt was him pulling up my dress and him grinding against my underwear. I tried to push him off. I tried to say, "No," but the word was caught in my throat. The more I moved, the harder he gripped my wrists. The harder he pushed his body against mine, making it harder for me to breathe. I closed my eyes and all I could hear was his heavy breathing and the sound of his pants being unzipped. I screamed as loud as I could, “NO!” That only made him furious and he bit my neck like he was an animal. He ripped my underwear to the side and thrusted into me as my eyes welled up with tears. It hurt. My whole body hurt. I stopped fighting and I just laid there waiting for him to finish. The pain nipping at every inch of my body. I couldn’t do anything but cry.

After what felt like hours passed by, he finished and stood up, blood on his tux pants, and he zipped up his pants and started to kick me, each blow of his foot making contact with my body. I whimpered each time, trying to not scream, trying not to make him any angrier. All of a sudden ,the blows stopped and he ran out of the door, leaving me on the ground half undressed and crying. I didn’t know what to do. I was lost. I was broken. In shock, I didn’t really understand what happened. I stood up and walked out of the room trying to stay up on my feet, which was a struggle because my legs were shaking really bad. I just stood there hanging onto the doorway hoping that someone would come to help me. No one came. I wiped my eyes, smearing some blood on my face as I started to walk to the front door, leaning against the wall for support. I didn’t care what I did; all I knew was that I needed to get out of there. I made it to the front steps and collapsed to my knees, it was like a wave of emotions washed over me. I sat there and cried, throwing a few punches on to the concrete ground, not caring how much it hurt.

Why me? What did I do wrong? Why couldn’t the pain just go away? The questions ran through my head as I couldn’t understand what just happened. I reached for my phone and dialed the buttons, all the voices from inside being drowned out as a woman answered the call. “This is 9-1-1 dispatch, what is your emergency?”

I just sat there crying only two words leaving my mouth, “It... it hurts.” I couldn’t say anything more.

The next thing I remember was the ambulance pulling up to the high school and two women coming up to me, asking me questions that I couldn’t hear. I drowned everything out. No one's voice mattered then. I smelt like him. His body was on mine. I started to pull off my dress, not caring who saw. I blacked out. The next thing I remember, I was in the ambulance covered up with blankets, the bruises starting to form on my body. I just sat there looking at the blankets, flinching as one of the ladies tried to touch my arm. I pulled my arm away and whispered the words, “Please don’t touch me.” I don’t remember much after that.

All I know was after the weekend had passed, the whole town was mad at me. My own school didn’t want me to be there, students and teachers alike. Even nowadays. It’s been weeks since that night and everyone sees me as their enemy. How could they believe him over me? When will it ever go back to normal? I guess we will never know the answers to those questions. I kept the truth inside, not wanting to bring anyone else down with me. Why tell someone when they don’t want to believe the truth? He controls me with the fear that he will hurt me again. He’s threatened me to stay quiet. I can’t tell anyone or he will ruin my life more than he already has. I can’t tell anyone. I am the puppet and he is the puppet master, controlling me with fear. That is how it will be until I can get out of this place. I will be living a nightmare every day that I am here. This will be my life.

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