That Day....

I was sitting on the hard gym floor next to my best friend waiting to learn and start our school's D.A.R.E program that day.

Everything I had thought before that day was normal for a 5th grade girl. I had been friends with my BEST friend since kindergarten and she was in my class that year! I had gotten all the Lisa Frank folders and pencils that year for school. All summer I had rode horses almost everyday. I was in love with horses. I had gotten to ride in the rodeos with the 4-H team. My family had gone camping, fishing, and boating many times all summer. All the things that everyone else also did in our small town. I had thought my life was normal, and like every other little girl's.

That day though still haunts me. As I sat there, one of our local cops at the time was standing in front of us explaining the things we were going to learn. He introduced a few other cops there also, I don't remember their names, but this was all still o.k. Then it slowly started... as he started talking about alcohol, drugs, abuse, and what molestation was. I started to feel nervous. I wasn't even sure as to why though.

My childhood hadn't always been the most perfect. My parents have a strong liking to alcohol, but that's for other stories. As the cop talks about alcohol and drugs I tuned it out as I had dealt with that enough, and knowing most of my classmates had parents like mine, I still felt normal. As he then had one of the other cops talk is when it happened. He was explaining what molestation was and what to do if someone touched you inappropriately. That's when I started to look around the room at all the other kids, the way they were reacting to hearing about this told me everything I needed to know. Right then and there it hit me that the things that had happened to me (that I had thought were normal) didn't happen to everyone else. Those things that happened to me, they weren't normal. Those things were all the things, and more that the cop was telling us were bad things! I all at once felt ashamed, embarrassed, scared, and nervous. I thought the room went black for a minute from the realization hitting me so hard. I was sure everyone was going to be able to tell just by looking at me. I all of a sudden felt lonely. I felt dirty and worthless.

I was to scared to tell anyone, even my best friend, while the whole time hearing in my head that cops voice telling all of us that if anyone ever did anything like this to us or anyone we knew to tell someone, ANYONE, a teacher, a cop, a friend. I herd that voice in my head daily for years after that day, yet I was still to scared and ashamed to tell. I still struggle with the thought of knowing I should have told someone, as I knew it was wrong, but the shame was (at times still is) to much. I carried that secret for a very long time.

That day, the day the world closed in around me, I realized I was different. I have learned to use that realization to drive myself to always be better, and not let it ruin my life. I know I am not that same little girl anymore. I want no one to fell pity for me. I am different in my own way now, and have learned everyone is different, and that's not so bad.