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Suddenly Promiscuous

How Rape Affected Me

By Vanna JamesPublished 7 years ago 6 min read
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I was thirteen. I had never been kissed. I was an innocent girl. I knew about sex, as much as someone who wasn't planning on having it can know. I had a friend. She had been my friend since we were only five and six (she was a year older than I). She had "dated" this man that was in his 20s. They slept together and everything, which she was just elated about. I thought it was kind of gross to be with a guy so much older than her, but that's how she was. They later broke up. She went through a drastic change with depression and excess sleeping around. At the time, I thought that was just her getting older and that would be the road she had chosen. Now, I don't think that was the case, but we will get back to her shortly.

So, my friend's gross older man raped me a year later. He had thought I would be like her, but I fought back. I said "no" and he probably didn't think I would tell anyone. But I did. It took me a month to tell anyone what had happened. I was ashamed. I had always thought of myself as someone who was too tough, too smart, and too normal to let something like that happen to me. I kept it to myself and suffered in silence. I was in my 8th grade homeroom when my teacher pulled me outside to ask if something was wrong. I naturally denied it and said I was tired, but as she kept pushing I broke down in tears. I finally told her what happened. She called the police and my mother (my mother who didn't know me as well as my teacher, apparently) and, in the principal's office, I told them what had happened. It was so embarrassing, having the entire school know I was talking to the police, them making up all sorts of rumors... It was adding insult to injury.

A few months went by with my parents sweeping it under the rug and mostly blaming me like I was some kind of slut. Well,, you can only be called a slut so many times before you actually believe you are, so I started having sex at fourteen. I had sex partly because I wanted to feel in control over my body, and partly because, after what happened, I was scared they would force me if I said no. Then, I met this guy — this amazing guy who was unbelievably sweet and gorgeous. Even better, he was crazy about me from the moment we met. We slept together almost instantly. He was 16. We were exclusively together for about two blissful months that were so perfect it almost made me forget about that awful history of mine, and then that little window showed two lines. My world was upside down. Pregnant at fourteen. Well, my parents, and his, were completely furious, which is understandable. My perfect boyfriend stayed by my side and proposed that Christmas. We welcomed a baby boy the following May. Within a year of what that man did to me, my life had completely changed. I was a mother at fifteen. I refused to let any more of my life be ruined so I stayed positive. My perfect boyfriend's parents made him move in with his dad three hours away and we slowly grew apart. He cheated when our son was only 1 month old. We broke up, and it hurt like hell. Suddenly, I was forced to deal with the wound I had only covered with a bandaid before. It was all too much and I tried to end my life. After taking a bottle of pills, I was waiting for them to do their thing when I kept thinking about my son. I couldn't let him be hurt by his other parent, too, so I called 911. I had to be on suicide watch, and then go to therapy, and then medication that just made numb. Six months later, I was off the pills and back to sex. I slept with every guy I liked. I had no self-worth. I felt unlovable, so I did the only thing I knew would get me the smallest bit of male attention. I mean, my rapist took my virginity and my seemingly perfect boyfriend took my heart. Who would want me now, anyway, right? It took me two years of going down that road to realize that I was wrong. Everything I was doing was just another way I was harming myself. I was punishing myself because I was too weak to fight off my rapist. I was too stupid too keep myself out of that situation. So I picked all the wrong guys, guys that would never love me, and I pushed away the only one that did. Until I woke up one day. My seemingly perfect boyfriend came back into my life when I graduated high school and proved to perfect once again. I was mostly to blame for him leaving before, but I had never wanted to admit it at the time. I was filled with so much rage and I just wasn't mature enough to cope with that trauma. We have been married for almost 5 years now and I can honestly say my life is everything I could ever hope for. I still have anxiety and sometimes struggle with low self esteem and angry outbursts. But now I know why I was doing all of those things. I know that angry, little girl wasn't the real me. I am not a whore, I have a ton of self worth, and I am worthy of love. I thought that my rapist had ruined my life, but he didn't. He just made me stronger. It's still a long process. I am just now comfortable talking about what happened to me with my parents and my husband and it has been 9 1/2 years since it happened. I'm still working through the damage it has caused to me and my relationships with my parents and my friend. My one friend who had "dated" the guy — we still talk sometimes but we will never be as close. I think, on some level, she knows that what he did to her was wrong, too, in its own way, but she will never admit that to herself. She has since struggled with drug addiction and a much higher level of promiscuity than even I did. Maybe one day, she can move on from the pain, too.

To any girl struggling with the aftermath of sexual assault, just know these 5 things: 1, it is not your fault and nothing you could have done could have prevented it. 2, no one copes with it the same way, so however you are managing to make it through, don't let anyone judge you. It's your life and as long as you find a way to survive, then keep on. 3, talk to a therapist. Find one you really like and just talk through it. Don't let it be this huge problem that you feel like you have to handle on your own. 4, you are worthy, you are beautiful, and fuck anyone who doesn't agree. 5, try to help the world be a better place than the one you were raped in, whether it be peer counselling, writing about your experience, or simply talking to your son or daughter one day about sexual assault and ways to prevent it.

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