Strike a Pose

I'm a figure, art, fashion, boudoir, and lifestyle model.

This is my best kept secret, especially that first one. It's very stigmatized, being a nude model. Even though it's only a small fraction of my overall modeling, it's still something I keep very hush-hush. People automatically think I'm some porn star or something, which I honestly couldn't do if I tried. The stamina in those women is borderline superhuman.

But I digress. I started modeling when my mental health was at an all-time low. It was the second semester of my freshman year of college, and my depression was in full swing. I was not doing well in my classes, I had lost a treasured friendship, and my relationship with my boyfriend was strained due to long distance. Basically, not a good time.

At my college, there's a sort of Facebook group for the entire school community. We all use it to sell books, ask about professors or class loads, and, in rare cases, post on-campus jobs. Money was tight, and I saw a listing calling for models for a figure drawing club on campus. For $18 an hour for two hours a week, I was sold. I got in contact with the president of the club and immediately got involved. That week was my first gig.

My first time modeling was terrifying. It was full nudity, and I had no idea how to pose or how long I'd be holding each pose or ANYTHING. I was going in blind, with only a Google Doc of pose references and a bathrobe to wear between poses as my only armor.

The first time I dropped that robe was one of the most nervewracking experiences of my life. I've struggled with body confidence my entire life, and this was like the "final boss." I've never been overweight. In fact, I've always been very, very underweight. So, when college kicked in and I finally started filling out, I panicked and built up a large collection of slimming shirt and high-waisted jeans to hide what I thought was a permanent food baby. I later found out that having a "pooch" is normal, healthy even, but that wasn't until recently.

Sitting in a pose for 20 minutes is a workout. Seriously, you think you can hold your elbow on your knee at that angle? No, you cannot. Modeling is actually where I learned to meditate, which made those long stretches of time go by way more easily. However, those first few sessions were full of me sneaking glances down at my body; my thighs looked too squashed, my belly poking out, etc. It was mortifying.

But then, I saw the drawings of me. And they were beautiful.

I realized that all of these things that I was seeing, none of the dozen or so artists saw. I took pictures of my favorite pieces, and as I trekked back to my dorm that night, I stared at them. For a while. Was that really how I looked? It wasn't actually as bad as I thought, not even close. You could even say I was semi-okay looking.

After a few more sessions, I became more and more comfortable. I held poses in which, sure, my tummy rolls were a little more visible, but I wasn't preoccupied with them anymore. I realized that it's normal, and it's art.

The Hellenistic sculpture "Crouching Venus" portrays Venus, the literal goddess of beauty, with stomach rolls, larger thighs, and imperfect skin. She was seen as the pinnacle of beauty, so why can't all women like her, like me, be the same?

We're all beautiful, and acceptance of that is even more so.