Speaking Out About What Needs to Be Spoken About

My first encounter with sexual abuse was when I was 8. It lasted for a year. Not just by one person, but 3. I won't name any names at all. However, I also wasn't the only one it was being done to either.

One of the boys was about 6 months older than me, the other one a couple years older than me, and the other one about 4 or 5 years older than me. First, it started out as their parents would come over to do drugs with my parents and we would all play in a back room together. We had played together since birth so no one really was too concerned with it. One day, was different than the rest. The oldest boy said he had a new game he wanted to play. It only involved hands at first. I didn't like it, neither did the said other person involved. We were uncomfortable, and I know for a fact on several different occasions I said "no, I don't want to do that today." We played that game anyways. I'm not sure why I went along with it. Sometimes I feel like it wasn't truly sexual abuse or that I don't have the right to claim I was sexually abused because I didn't fight against it hard enough. Eventually, it got to the point where they wanted to play the same game only this time with more than just their hands. I was scared. I knew it wasn't right. That was why they locked the door and lied about what we were doing. That's why the oldest told his youngest brother to "shut up and stop being a little baby," when he would agree with me that he didn't want to play this today, that he "didn't like playing that game." The oldest would say "you're acting more like a girl than the girls are." I told him when he said he would be using more than his hands, that I wasn't going to. He told me if not he would tell my parents on me. I know... that sounds like I'm dumb if I listened. Well, I did. I was terrified of him telling my parents. I'm not sure why, I didn't do anything wrong. However, I felt wrong and as if I would be in trouble and it was my fault. All because I didn't tell them before now and I didn't fight back hard enough before.

Well about 6 months after that, they were coming over ALL the time. I was done. I finally convinced myself I wasn't wrong. I told my mom. I brought her in the back room before they came over again and I told her everything that had been going on. I felt.... free.

Her response shocked me, made me feel small, made me feel as if I actually WAS in the wrong. She said, "Well if you guys are going to keep playing like that, you'll need to get on the brown bag," which she claimed was a type of birth control. Mind you, she was probably high as I was telling her and had no idea what she was talking about. The only reason the abuse stopped was they went into foster care and a little bit after that we did, too. I found out years later, my mom had never even mentioned what I had told her to my dad. It was so minor in her head she didn't even MENTION it.

My last encounter with sexual abuse was in a foster home I had been living in for years. It began about a year after we had been there. Like before, it started out with only hands. He was a year or two older than I. Then one day, when we were alone after school, he dropped his pants and wanted me to use my mouth in places I didn't want to. I told him I didn't, too. He told me to do it or he would tell his mom he didn't want us to live there anymore and we would switch foster homes. I, at the time, wanted nothing more than to stay in one place for once. We had been there longer than any other home and I didn't want to screw it up for my brothers, sister, or myself. So, I did it. I did it every time we were alone and he wanted me to. One time, he said "you're my favorite sister" and winked. That was years ago. I didn't tell anyone until almost a year ago. I didn't ever want it to come out because I was SO ashamed. However, he had been doing it to someone else as well, and they finally spoke up about it. I have never told her but she has a lot more courage than I did about the topic.

I didn't want to share this. I've been debating on writing this post for about an hour and a half. I fear what people will think of me, if they will see me differently, if they will think less of me. I'm a nervous wreck about it. But, I feel it is a story that needs to be told. I felt so isolated keeping it to myself and never wanting to talk about it. You see all the #metoo posts and it blows your mind. People you would've never thought had been in any situation like that, had been. It's scary, it hurts, and it is so sad that so many people have been abused. So I decided to speak out about what needs to be spoken about. It happens, and we, as a society, need to do something about it, instead of shaking our heads and blaming the victim. 63,000 children a year are victims of sexual abuse. Do something.

All proceeds from this post will go to RAINN—Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network charity.