She is Art

For the longest time, I've absolutely hated my body. Sometimes I'd like my boobs, or my shoulders, my lips... but that didn't always matter. There was always cellulite, dimples, I was BIG--there was no way I could be called sexy or even beautiful. I hid in oversized hoodies and heavily relied on the color black and black leggings.

"Confident", to me, was an incredibly powerful word. Confidence seemed out of reach from me. How could I possibly be confident? How could I be allowed confidence in this body?

"Well, you just need to exercise and eat right," I'd get, and yes taking care of your physical form is vital - but, it never really helped me with confidence. If anything, it made it seem farther and farther away.

You can't hold love and confidence hostage from yourself. Waiting for when your body, your hair, your art, whatever, is perfect in order to finally give yourself love is truly being cruel to yourself. Love isn't a reward.

One of the reasons I started to explore painting the female form was because of these insecurities I had. My original intent was to fake confidence by painting myself nude. It was something I had wanted to do for so long, the idea itched at me. What is more ballsy than painting your own nude body? On a canvas? For all to see? If I could do that, then maybe I could trick myself into being confident.

In a way, I was right, but it worked in a much different way than I thought it would. But there was no trickery involved.

While I approached this project with the utmost hesitancy, it happened without me forcing myself. I didn't have to force myself to look at my body, after so long of avoiding mirrors, avoiding having my picture taken. I looked. I looked without having this "judge-y" mentality I had for so long because I was focused, I was in the moment. It was me, and the painting.

As I painted, I began to notice--no--I began to appreciate more parts of my body. I stopped seeing ugly; I saw the beautiful. I love sketching out my stomach, my less-than-perfect body. I love mixing the colors of my skin. I love the way my thighs and calves meet.

Nothing about me has changed. I haven't changed my body for anyone. I just paint.

After I took up the habit of using myself as my own model, my appreciation for my body began to show itself outside of the canvas. I've slowly been breaking away from my leggings day-to-day rut, and appreciating my body in ways I never have before.

For a long time, I avoided my body at any cost. Mirrors, touch, pictures. Now, I feel how soft my skin is, and feel every curve. It certainly doesn't feel ugly, whatsoever. Why would I ever be so afraid, and neglect something this beautiful?

Every day I still struggle with my doubts, but every day I work hard to keep love, positivity, and art in my life. This is my journey.