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PCOS, Anxiety and Depression In My Shoes

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By Carmen CollinsPublished 7 years ago 3 min read
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I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome in February 2017 and I never realised the impact that this diagnosis would have on myself, my partner, and our present and future life.

Through my own research I've found this condition is an undiscovered world in a sea full of technology, however no one feels it's important enough to explore. I find myself constantly asking why. Why have I got this condition? Why is my body not normal? Why do I feel like my mind has been affected the most out of this diagnosis even though my ovaries are surrounded by mountains of cysts?

Well, let's just say none of these questions have been answered.

It angers me that there is no cure. It angers me that no professionals I've encountered have taken this condition seriously, and it angers me that I don't feel like myself in my own body. I suffer from the ugliest anxiety that causes me to have breathless, heart pulsing panic attacks like the walls around me are bulging back and forth. My black hole depression telling me over and over in my head that I'm not a woman. Looking in the mirror at myself and only seeing my cystic acne staring back at me, the dark hair above my lip showing a faint moustache, and the one strand of hair under my chin that no matter what I do, always comes back with a fight.

Living with PCOS is unbearable at times. The hardest part is painting on the pretty picture for the world to think I'm fine, caring for other people's problems day by day, giving out advice, laughing, smiling, yet inside being the opposite. My mind tells me bad things about myself, rare fatality events that could happen if I went out of the flat to social events, other people's bad thoughts of me, what I'm wearing, the amount of makeup I put on my face to try and paint someone new. My mind can be my enemy and I have no army inside to fight back.

PCOS has given me a new way of picturing the world around me and seeing how my future may turn out to be. Before becoming aware that I have this condition I would look at pregnant women glowing with their pregnancy flare and smile to myself. Now, I see women who are pregnant and my body fills with anger, resentment and jealousy. Why can they have a baby and I can't? I try to switch the thoughts off but it's difficult. I now need to focus on my what I eat to try and help balance out my hormones, however, I'm failing miserably. Why should I have to eat a gluten free and dairy free diet when I don't suffer from allergies? my mind asks me. Of course, I know this will help my body to give me more of a chance to conceive naturally, however, when I'm eating and drinking these foods my hormones and conceiving are the last things on my mind.

I'm angry more than anything. At myself for not being able to do one gift women have to themselves, and at the world for not understanding the severity these conditions can have on an individual.

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About the Creator

Carmen Collins

A women that wants to share her life with the world.

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