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Not Rape

Sexually Assaulted

By Liz BPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Do you even remember me? Remember the years ago when we first met? I'm not sure how we met... you would think I'd remember. However, it seems my memory from that entire school year is a little fuzzy.

I was dating someone. It wasn't you. I liked you but you didn't want to commit to anybody. And I was already in the habit of making poor decisions.

I was only 15. You were older than me and I was so flattered, I suppose, that an older boy would have interest in me. I wasn't really allowed to date so I would sneak out to see you.

In the middle of the night, I would leave my house without my parents' knowledge. We would drive around, get junk food from the grocery store, we even went to your place to watch movies and snuggle. Sometimes we would even kiss.

But you wanted more than that. You didn't actually want to have sex with me. For whatever reason, you were saving that. But you wanted oral sex. And I refused.

We were friends. So why did you do this to me? Why did you climb on top of me and try to force yourself into my mouth? And why when I continuously said no... why did you ignore me? Did you think it was funny?

You had bunk beds. The metal kind, like the kind my sister and I had when we shared a bedroom as kids. So when you wouldn't listen, I eventually tried to fight you off of me. Kicking was no good; the top bunk was in my way and you were sitting on my chest where my knees couldn't reach. You would hold down my wrists when I tried hitting you. You plugged my nose to try and force my mouth open. How could any of it seem okay to you?

I was scared. I wasn't even supposed to be there. If I screamed, what would your parents do? Would they have done anything? What could I say to my parents? I had snuck out after all. Eventually, I kind of felt it was useless. I should just let you do it and get it over with. But I still said no until the very end. Until you got off on me restraining and ejaculated all over me.

I felt sick. I felt used. I felt embarrassed. I felt... confused. I had so many emotions and I just laid there. By myself in your bed, after you had gotten up. I laid there and tried to fall asleep and act like it didn't happen until you would take me home and I could sneak back in my window and try to erase that night from my memory.

I confided in a friend. At least I thought she was my friend. I told her exactly what had happened. I never used the word "rape" because I knew I hadn't been raped. You didn't penetrate me, but still I didn't know what to call the violation I experienced.

This "friend" felt the need to tell people. And not people like a trusted adult that could help me. But people like other girls in school and maybe some guys too. The word had spread that I was "raped." The rumor was spread that I was an attention whore and lied about being RAPED.

I was labeled a slut. And a liar. And my memory is still fuzzy so I'm sure I had other labels. To this day it affects me.

I have not healed. How do you heal from being sexually assaulted? Does anybody know?

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