My Story of Silence

For a very long time, I've been afraid to put my face to my story. I tell others from behind the screen what terror I went through, but to reveal myself and make it public... It was unthinkable, not until other very brave and strong women spoke up. Their battle cries are still heard ringing in my ears, and I can't help but to think where I'd be without the love and support of those around me.

My story starts at a very early age, according to family that I've talked to. My earliest abuse memory begins at the age of 5, though my mom said she had suspicions that the events happened way before that. I grew up in a very chaotic household. My dad was an alcoholic who considered yelling his favorite past-time, and my mom constantly covered for him. Anytime my dad went away for work (he was a truck driver), he always brought super expensive gifts home. I remember one year, he bought me these giant jumbo-sized Barney and Baby Bop toys. They were so big, they could barely fit in the tiny trailer we lived in. My dad always bought the best toys.

It wasn't until I was around 12 did I realize the reason behind his presents being so extravagant. He tried to buy my happiness, and snuff out the bad memories of him so I wouldn't be afraid of him. But I still was. I was always afraid. When my parents divorced, I felt like I could breathe again. I was a happier kid, not having to worry about when he was going to throw plates against the walls if his dinner was too cold. I didn't have to worry about my mom, who still flinched every time someone knocked on the door. Then I got the news that I still had to see him every other weekend, as per court order. I remember I cried and begged my mom not to let me go. My dad's new wife scared me. She wore too much makeup and liked to blow her cigarette smoke in my face. But my mom said she didn't have a choice, so every other weekend I was forced to pack my Barney backpack and take that horrible drive to my dad's. I didn't know it then, but my dad had found his first sexual assault victim through his girlfriend's daughter. I didn't find it weird at all that she liked to play weird games with our barbies that turned into us playing "Touch and Kiss" ourselves. How was I to know it was all due to my dad's careful grooming?

Then one weekend, my new friend wasn't at my dad's house. It was just he and I. It was summertime, super hot, and my dad had a small pool in his yard. I was having a lot of fun splashing by myself. I didn't notice he didn't stop watching me the whole time — not in a parental, "I hope my child doesn't drown," way, but in the way that would send chills down anyone's spine. He went inside for a few minutes and talked on the phone, then came back outside and told me to get out of the pool because he thought it was going to storm. I thought he was crazy — the sky was a beautiful blue, no clouds to be seen. But I listened and went inside, not wanting to make him mad and give him a reason to punish me. As I sat on the kitchen floor waiting for him to get me a towel, I realized I hadn't gone to the bathroom for a while. My dad suggested he come help me, since my swimsuit was still wet and I might have trouble getting it back up. I just nodded my head, because I thought maybe he was right.

That's when he violated me.

I didn't know it then, but the phone call he made while I was outside was to a few of his neighbors. They took turns playing "Touch and Kiss" with me. That's when I finally connected the dots. How could my dad know the name of the game my friend and I play sometimes? Then it dawned on me that he had come up with the name first. He played that game with my new friend first, to show her what to do. After the neighbors went home, my dad took me to see a movie. He said that if I didn't tell anyone, including my mom, we would go see new movies every time I was staying with him. He also told me that my mom would get rid of me if she knew the games that we were playing. So I didn't say anything. For five years, I kept quiet because I didn't want to lose my mom and my new step-dad. In that five year span, I played the game with more than twenty grown men, not including my dad. My dad was very careful not to play the game with me while his girlfriend was home. I felt so scared on the days that it was just my dad and I.

They might've taken my voice as a child, but I found it as an adult.

I will not be silenced.