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My Rape Recovery

I'm not fully healed, though my scars are fading a little day by day. I made a choice to no longer label myself as a victim. I am a survivor. While there are days where I still feel at my worst, there are many days to come where I feel okay. I'm aiming to be the best I can be. I have hope that every survivor transitions into this period of the aftermath of such a gross event. Start your recovery today. It doesn't matter if it takes months or years. If you're trying, you are one step closer to a better place.

By The Darkest SunrisePublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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As expected the occurrence of rape can change a person. A simple, despicable act can alter the bubbliest of personalities. So many things come to surface when you face the path that someone else has chosen for you. You feel as though you have no control over any situation at all. There may even be a period of time where you knowingly begin to self-destruct.

Desperation sets in for just a moment of peace and you do things you would never expect of yourself otherwise. You essentially become your worst nightmare, second to you rapist. You become a person you don't recognize. No mirror can reflect your former happiness. You feel defeated. I was raped five months ago. For these five months, my life has been chaotic. I became a person I didn't like. While I hated myself, I developed horrible habits that I realized were wrong but assisted me with my numbness. Every weekend I would drink. I would drink myself into sloppy drunken stupors. I became a person who I otherwise would have judged. It became hard for my family to tolerate me because the drinking was excessive to the point of black outs. I would wake up and everyone would be mad at me and I wouldn't have a single clue why.

One night I got super drunk and confessed my sins to my mother. I told her every mistake I ever made and left her feeling extremely let down. I became my father that night. Someone who I never in a million years wanted to be. I became my own monster.

Soon after I picked up the horrible habit of smoking cigarettes. They gave me a little comfort knowing that there was something that temporarily lifted my anxiety. It also gave me comfort that one day it could kill me without my having to do it myself.

However, as months dragged on, I sit in a place where I am okay some days now. I can express my needs and wants more than I could previously. I still have severe PTSD but as time wears on, I'm recovering. I have cut back on the drinking. I only drink wine when I write sometimes. Hard liquor is no longer an option for me. I've blacked out so many times and I no longer want to be that person. I'm putting myself in a position to win regardless of what happens in court. He can't have my life. Not forever.

I've lost my want for a lot of things. After my rape, my whole perspective changed. I no longer knew if I wanted to get married or have kids. I didn't feel this overwhelming sense love when I saw babies in the grocery store. My heart didn't flutter with happiness watching The Notebook. It's hard to believe that love really exist. But that is okay for now. That's something I will figure out as time goes on.

As hard as things may be there is always room to recover. Some of you will take longer than others. I know for a fact that I won't be fully healed for a very long time. However, I am taking steps to put myself back in a positive direction. I'm putting my novels first in every sense of the word. I have to work hard for what I want. My depression can't be the deciding factor on my life as a writer. There was once a time where I drank and got so messed up that I woke up to my very own suicide note. I never want to be in that position ever again.

Yes, there are days where I feel like dying is the best option I have. But deep down I know that I was given this life to do great things. And that is what I'll do. I'm not a victim. I'm a survivor. Not even my rapist can change that. So before you feel as though your life is a tragedy remember that you are a person set forth to do amazing things. Don't let another human rip that from you after they've already taken so much.

Recovery is possible. Recovery is liberation. Free yourself from the weight of your ruined intimacy. Free yourself from your mind.

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About the Creator

The Darkest Sunrise

Hello beautiful souls! Open book vibes over here!

Check out my podcast where you can learn to become your best self! <3

https://open.spotify.com/show/5cwcBivrINaGKqRLtBaGOx?si=kJMHUF_yQj2epM84RYSi_Q

Have the best day and drink your water! <3

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