My Empowerment Kick

Something has been on my mind for a few days now. I don’t know how to articulate it, but this is me attempting to. I have been single for some time now, and while I consider myself to be a “relationship person,” I think I am finally starting to get a full grasp on myself and what I believe.

I have had a thing for this guy recently, and he doesn't exactly reciprocate my feelings. I have been making a fool of myself in various situations, looking more desperate for his affections by the day because I always want what I can’t have. Maybe some of you can relate. If not, it is a twisted logic and you should be thankful your mind doesn’t work like that. Anyway, I lost my grip on the powerful person I had been working to become.

Last weekend was the Women’s March. I didn’t go because I was at home for the weekend visiting a sick family member, but it got me thinking. All of the men I typically go for would not approve of me going to this march. They might even make fun of me for wanting to go. This new guy (even though he doesn’t actually want me) was no exception.

A year ago I never would have gone to the Women’s March. I thought that I had all the rights I needed and that these women were just being silly. I was blind to the greater problems women have been facing because of my privilege, and because I never knew any better. Now I realize that it is not necessarily about the rights (aside from having control of our bodies and birth control), but instead about how women are treated in so many different situations.

To be blunt, I used to wish women would just shut up about all of these “issues.” The only reason I wished this is because I was ashamed of how men viewed (or seemed to be viewing) the whole movement. I wanted to be one of the women who wasn’t bugging them to change. I thought I was okay with being the weaker sex because that is all I have ever known. I do not have many fears; ask anyone who knows me well. But one of the things I have always been afraid of is success, because success leads to attention, and attention makes me uncomfortable. I never know how to act when the attention is on me, because no one ever taught me how. I was content with living in the background; I even set it up that way for myself in most situations.

I always thought I was confident. I had my insecurities, but for the most part I knew I was smart enough and pretty enough. But I don’t think that’s what confidence really is. Confidence is being comfortable when the attention is on you. And that is what I am striving towards now.

Coming back to relationships, the things I am looking for in a man have shifted. I want to find someone who is secure enough in himself and his masculinity that he wants me to succeed too, instead of just me being HIS supporter. So many of my other relationships have left me feeling crippled and inferior. I want my relationships from here on out to be a medium to help me shine. I want someone who is not intimidated by female empowerment.

Lately it has stood out to me that so many men actually think they are the superior sex. Why do you think so many women have been sexually abused/harassed? Because men think they can get away with it. And surprisingly I do not think it is as big of a problem with older generations. As men get older, they become less egotistical and they are able to see all of the things that women have done for them throughout their lives; their mothers, wives, daughters. I think it is the younger generations who want to be “the man” that still think women are just being silly. This observation leads me to believe that it is a problem of maturity. So how do we fix it? We raise our sons in a way that lets them know it is okay to be vulnerable. That they don’t always have to be the man. That a woman is the reason they are on this planet and that they, and all people, deserve the utmost respect.

I don’t know exactly how to conclude but I suppose I will finish with this: I know there are holes in my argument. I know that people will want to pick this apart. I am not putting this out there because I think I am 100% right. The whole point of this is to say that my opinions have changed and I’m sure they will continue to. These are thoughts that I needed to get out, things I don’t think many others are saying. I don’t mean to offend anyone. I fucking love men, I always have. I just don’t want my daughters to grow up in a world where they too are afraid of success. I want them to know how to use their voice. I don’t want them to experience the ever-so-slight belittling that I never really noticed until now. I think we are getting closer to true equality, but we are not quite there yet.