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My Daughter

Wherein I have a talk with a young man intent on taking my daughter out.

Sit down, kid.

So, you’re going out? Anyplace fun?


Look. I don’t want to make you nervous or anything like that. I know you’ve probably seen TV and you know that traditionally, this is the point in the evening where you’re supposed to come off respectful and I’m supposed to threaten your life.

But we’re not going to do that. I’d rather have a real talk with you if you don’t mind. See I don’t feel the need to pull out my gun and show it to you and let you know that I’m not afraid to go back to prison. I don’t need to bring you out to the backyard and show you how the chain gun works and what it will do to a pumpkin.

I don’t have to do any of that.

See. A long time ago. I realized that the American justice system was anything but. Especially if you were a girl. It’s wired to fuck over women who have been raped or sexually harassed or assaulted. It victimizes them over and over again. Hell, it does such a number on them that I think it actually emboldens the rapists and harassers. They know that accountability is only for poor people.

I was very careful to raise my daughter in a manner that would enable her to survive in such an environment. Because I love her and I don’t want her to get raped or harassed or anything else like that. I taught her at a very young age that the only antidote to rape culture is to take the law into your own hands.

See. I didn’t tell her that all men are scum. I did say that a statistically significant number of men are scum and that she should choose wisely. I did say that between cops that treat the victim like a perp, and municipalities that have a huge backlog of unprocessed rape kits, and judges who will let some white boy off because a rape conviction might “damage his future”… Well, let’s just say that she shouldn’t hold her breath waiting for satisfaction.

So. You should be aware that I raised my daughter correctly.

If you should, for any reason, do anything untoward to my daughter, she will likely kill you.

She is more than aware that if she needs to dump a corpse in a body of water, that she should slash the abdomen a number of times so that decomposition gases won’t cause your corpse to pop up like a bobber. She also knows that she should cut off your head and hands and dispose of them in a separate location so it will be very difficult to identify you. I imagine that this would be a great sorrow for your parents, but maybe they shouldn’t have raised you to be a raping scumbag fuckhead.

My daughter also knows never to leave her drink unattended. She knows that if you stab someone that you should turn the blade 45 degrees so that wound won’t close naturally and will require hospital attention. She knows that a roll of quarters and some tape make handy knuckles and that two “D” cells and a sock make a super blackjack. She’s been taking Tae Kwan Do since she was four.

In fact, I think my lovely daughter is more than capable of putting the bag on you all by herself, trussing you up like a Christmas goose, putting your offending member into a bench vise, cutting your balls off with a rusty hacksaw, and then cauterizing the wound. And since my daughter is very smart and talented, I think she might be able to keep you alive and awake the whole time.

I’ve taught my daughter these things because I love her very much.

So, you don’t have to come in here and act respectfully to me…But now you have an idea of what will happen if you’re not respectful of her.

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My Daughter
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