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My Body Issues

Before and After Pregnancy

I have always been in dispute with my body.  I have always been a big girl and it bothered me so much.  

When I started at secondary school, I discovered all these different body shapes and sizes.  Most of the girls were skinny or had lovely curves, then there was me.  

I had already started to develop breasts which made me look bigger than I actually was, I had a massive bum and tree trunks for thighs.  I was often called "fat" or "big tits" and even though I used to laugh it off, I was crying inside. Most evenings I would stand in front of the mirror trying to find something I liked about myself, but I couldn't. 

As I got older I started to worry more and more about how I looked.  All my friends were skinny and could wear little shorts, short skirts and tight dresses.  I envied them so much.  I used to dread going shopping and having to look up the other end of the rails in the bigger sizes. 

When I started working as a domiciliary carer, the weight started to drop off, especially when I was cycling every day.  I was starting to feel good about myself.  I was able to start looking through the clothes at the other end of the rack!  

Then I met Jonathan.  Again I started to worry about how I looked.  I became paranoid that he wouldn't find me attractive and it took me a long time to feel comfortable but he always told me that I was beautiful and I shouldn't hide my body away.  After a few months, I began to feel confident again. 

Five years later, I found out I was pregnant.  I was so excited and couldn't wait to get my baby bump. All my insecurities went out of the window and now I was eating for two, nothing mattered.  It never occurred to me about after the birth! Poppy was born in November 2012 and I had gained 4 stone! 

At first it didn't bother me, until I found it a struggle getting up and down off of the floor.  My knees would give way and I would become so out of breath.  So I decided to do something about it.  I joined a local slimming world group. 

It was hard to get my head around at first but once I had it figured and with support from friends and family, I reached a 1.5 stone loss.  I starting to feel better and was seeing results.  Jonathan and I got married, the weight continued to drop and I reached 2 stone.  I was more energetic and able to run around and play with Poppy and not get out of breath.   

When I found out I was pregnant with Douglas, I wasn't worried as I knew I could still stick to my SW diet but with a few tweaks.  Unfortunately I suffered with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (severe morning sickness) and had to be hospitalised. I dropped right down to 15st 7lbs.  This was the smallest I had ever been, but not for the right reasons.  The sickness came and went throughout the pregnancy so I wasn't able to attend slimming world anymore. 

After he was born in December 2015 I didn't feel as big as I did after Poppy.  I still felt huge though.  I didn't have time to do anything about it as... I found out I was pregnant again!  Douglas was 3months old.  All body insecurities and worries went out the window.  I had 2 children to concentrate on and another baby to grow so I didn't have time to worry or diet. 

In November 2016, Amber came into the world. My weight didn't even enter my head. 

"Who cares anymore?!" 

When I did get on the scales, I was back to where I was after Poppy.  I didn't cry though.  

My body is amazing. It was my babies home for 9 months. Who cares if I have a flabby belly.  Who cares if I have a bum that could block out the sun? Who cares if I have thunder thighs? My children certainly do not. My husband does not. 

They love me for who I am, not what I look like.  Poppy tells me everyday that I look nice or a I am beautiful.  

I am losing weight without trying. My dispute with my body is now over. I am happy with how I look. There is enough of me for everyone to have a bit to snuggle up to... Because nobody wants to cuddle a stick. 🤣

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