My Body Issues

I have always been in dispute with my body. I have always been a big girl and it bothered me so much.

When I started at secondary school, I discovered all these different body shapes and sizes. Most of the girls were skinny or had lovely curves, then there was me.

I had already started to develop breasts which made me look bigger than I actually was, I had a massive bum and tree trunks for thighs. I was often called "fat" or "big tits" and even though I used to laugh it off, I was crying inside. Most evenings I would stand in front of the mirror trying to find something I liked about myself, but I couldn't.

As I got older I started to worry more and more about how I looked. All my friends were skinny and could wear little shorts, short skirts and tight dresses. I envied them so much. I used to dread going shopping and having to look up the other end of the rails in the bigger sizes.

When I started working as a domiciliary carer, the weight started to drop off, especially when I was cycling every day. I was starting to feel good about myself. I was able to start looking through the clothes at the other end of the rack!

Then I met Jonathan. Again I started to worry about how I looked. I became paranoid that he wouldn't find me attractive and it took me a long time to feel comfortable but he always told me that I was beautiful and I shouldn't hide my body away. After a few months, I began to feel confident again. 

Five years later, I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited and couldn't wait to get my baby bump. All my insecurities went out of the window and now I was eating for two, nothing mattered. It never occurred to me about after the birth! Poppy was born in November 2012 and I had gained 4 stone!

At first it didn't bother me, until I found it a struggle getting up and down off of the floor. My knees would give way and I would become so out of breath. So I decided to do something about it. I joined a local slimming world group.

It was hard to get my head around at first but once I had it figured and with support from friends and family, I reached a 1.5 stone loss. I starting to feel better and was seeing results. Jonathan and I got married, the weight continued to drop and I reached 2 stone. I was more energetic and able to run around and play with Poppy and not get out of breath. 

When I found out I was pregnant with Douglas, I wasn't worried as I knew I could still stick to my SW diet but with a few tweaks. Unfortunately I suffered with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (severe morning sickness) and had to be hospitalised. I dropped right down to 15st 7lbs. This was the smallest I had ever been, but not for the right reasons. The sickness came and went throughout the pregnancy so I wasn't able to attend slimming world anymore.

After he was born in December 2015 I didn't feel as big as I did after Poppy. I still felt huge though. I didn't have time to do anything about it as... I found out I was pregnant again! Douglas was 3months old. All body insecurities and worries went out the window. I had 2 children to concentrate on and another baby to grow so I didn't have time to worry or diet.

In November 2016, Amber came into the world. My weight didn't even enter my head.

"Who cares anymore?!"

When I did get on the scales, I was back to where I was after Poppy. I didn't cry though.

My body is amazing. It was my babies home for 9 months. Who cares if I have a flabby belly. Who cares if I have a bum that could block out the sun? Who cares if I have thunder thighs? My children certainly do not. My husband does not.

They love me for who I am, not what I look like. Poppy tells me everyday that I look nice or a I am beautiful. 

I am losing weight without trying. My dispute with my body is now over. I am happy with how I look. There is enough of me for everyone to have a bit to snuggle up to... Because nobody wants to cuddle a stick. 🤣