My Assault Story

It happened 5 or 6 years ago. I just got out of my first relationship and I went back on a popular dating site (I won't name it because it may not want to be associated with this). About a week later I started to talk to a guy who lived about 30 or 45 minutes away. This new guy and I met a few days later. It went well but at the end of the night he touched me and I didn't stop him. I think that's where the ball started to roll in his head about what he would do next to me. So we saw each other the next day at a park near my house. At dark we sat in my car talking. One of the last things he did was touch me down there; I wanted it so that wasn't the assault. This is going to sound weird, but I think when I consented he thought my consent overrode the times I would say no. At this point it all seemed normal. I felt like I found a good guy.

We saw each other again the next day after the park. I went over to his house and after eating and hanging out, it happened for the first time. We were playing around when he crawled on me and started rubbing himself on me. I told him to stop, that it felt wrong. He said that it was OK because we weren't having sex. I had to roll out from underneath him to get away from him. It kept happening during our relationship. I became numb during the act. After a while I was mad and needed more attention. I went to get drinks with another guy. I felt guilty and told him, and he broke up with me because he felt I cheated on him.

At least a year later we started talking again and worked stuff out sorta. We tried to see if we could date again, but I found out that he hasn't changed. When I told him that, he lost his mind and said my lifestyle was witchcraft. After that I only talked to him when I was lonely. Now he's being a jerk because his girlfriend doesn't let him talk to me. I think I'm his one that got away, at least in his head. I think in his own way he did love me, and when I walked away from him he got hurt. Maybe in his girlfriend's head, if he talked to me, he would walk away from her if given the chance. Maybe in all reality he didn't want to deal with me if I couldn't come back to him. I understand some girlfriends don't want old girlfriends coming around or girls in general texting their boyfriend. In all relationships you have to trust the other person. I trust my current to have conversations with other women because I know that he can't bring himself to sleep with someone else. So my ex's girlfriend needs to trust him, he's a great guy, just the assault messed it up.

I don't regret what happened. My only wish is that I handled it better. People say I'm one of the lucky ones and I know that is sorta true but I don't call being sexually assaulted by someone you loved lucky. Had he not been the way he was with me, I could have seen being with him longer, not that I don't love my fiancée, but this guy was a decent guy except for the assault. That's how they get you though, they either make sure they can overpower you or they are charming and sweet-ish.

I'm still not totally over it. I have things up my sleeve to try to get better. The thing about assault and rape is that the survivor/victim will probably never forget or get over it. That's what people don't understand, rape and assault isn't like having a cold. It's a trauma that stays with you forever. That's where we are right now with my story. This is not the end, I have to heal and I want to see what happens with him and his girlfriend. There may be a part two.