More Than Rape

When I was in 7th grade, we read To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. I was in advanced English and we were expected to be more mature than the rest of the students in our year, so this book was perfect. There was death, discrimination, the n-word was used, and, sadly enough, a rape accusation. However, I had a hard time wrapping my mind around the phrase “taken advantage of.” What made this even more absurd was the fact that there was no actual rape in that instance. I understood that to mean you’re being used or cheated, you’re being naive, or you’re simply too ditzy to know what’s going on. Rape is not so benign.

According to the National Child Traumatic Stress network, about one in ten children will be sexually assaulted before they turn 18. Sexual assault is not akin to alcoholism in the sense that is is an adult issue. Children should be equipped with the vocabulary to call out their assaulters, but that is not, and that should be a crime in itself; however, it goes deeper than that. Murder is an atrocity no matter who commits it or who is the unfortunate victim. And as a society we acknowledge that murder is an intentional, heinous act done from an evil place — therefore we do not draw a distinction between murdering a child and an adult. Yet, somehow there is a distinction between violating a child and adult. Even the violation of a child versus a teenager becomes gray. This is a perpetuation of rape culture. This perpetuates the idea that some forms of rape are more or less legitimate than others, and that is a very dangerous stance to take.

Our society is one of shame. We shame women for being women. We shame men for having traits associated with women. We shame women for the problems they encounter solely because of they, we, are women. Women are told from a young age that when a boy is mean to you it means he likes you. Young girls become young women who grow to hear these things in the back of their heads as they walk down the street clutching their pepper spray, counting the steps until they make it safely to their destination.

Men do not have this fear, these constant voices in the backs of their heads telling them to cover their chests and close their legs and to remember to yell fire instead of rape because no one is interested in your rape. Men face opposing, yet still sinister, struggles. They have these rigid expectations and narrow lanes to walk in. We raise our girls to fear men and their savage, heartless ways; and then we raise our boys to fit those sinister molds. It starts off small, “stop crying,” “don’t wear pink,” “don’t get so emotional." Then it gets deeper, “don’t be a bitch,” “learn how to suck it up,” and “don’t be a pussy.” Then we blame women for their behavior: “Girls need to cover their shoulders. They’re distracting the boys.” “Did you see that skirt? She was asking for it.” You cannot ask for rape. Rape is a genuinely non-consenting act.

When women are raped, standard protocol is to shame them into quiet submission. What were you wearing? Why were you in heels? What were you doing on that side of town? Why weren’t you with a friend? Why didn’t you keep your knees closed? For men, the process is much different. These questions are based on the premise that women know not what they want. Their soft fragile minds do not grasp the consequence that comes with having a vagina. Women are meant for men to consume, and it shames all who will not consume and all who will not be consumed. When a man is raped, he is laughed at and ridiculed.

Men are not meant to be consumed. And what is truly sinister is that the rigidity of this system forces them into silence. When women come out as rape victims, the narrative is often one that people try to erase, but when men are raped they are told that they should have enjoyed it, that this violation of fundamental human rights is something to be enjoyed, that the trauma and pain, both physical and emotional, that they endured should be remembered fondly. To me, this is a tragedy. It is a tragedy when we can not talk about rape openly in our society without fear of retaliation.