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Me Too

A Memory Lost in My Subconscious

Photo taken by author

Honestly, I’m not sure how this is going to go. Yet, I know I need to get this out and keep moving forward.

It was July 2016. My boyfriend of two weeks was coming over again and couldn't wait. I was 20 years old and I finally had my first boyfriend. I thought I was with someone who really cared for me. I still lived with my parents and that just made things awkward. He finally showed up and we decided to hop in the pool. It was a gorgeous day and there was no way I wasn't going to get my pool time in. My mom was coming and going from the backyard while doing yard work. She didn't like the guy at all and she made it very well known. I'm going to give this guy a different name just to play it safe. Roy was kissing me, totally awesome and I didn't see a problem. Eventually, my mom was out of the backyard for awhile and we were all alone. He kept forcing me to touch him even though I kept pulling away, afraid I was going to get caught. He then pinned me against the pool wall with me facing west, towards him. He began touching me and kissing my neck. On the inside, I was yelling and trying to break free. But on the outside, I was frozen as if I was a photograph. I only remember seeing the evergreen tree in front of me. He began grinding on me, causing large waves in the index quick set up pool. I remember trying to stop him from pushing aside my bikini bottom. He came closer to me and grabbed ahold of himself through this bottoms and teased until I felt him getting closer and closer to the opening. He began taking himself out when he heard my mom returning and quickly backed away from me.

It's been nearly two years since that day. For the last month, this has been showing up in my memories. I kept wondering if I was crazy. Now I know that I had forgotten so I didn't have to face it. I wanted it to stop. I didn't want any of that. I didn't give him permission. But I couldn't speak, I was in shock, in denial. In this last month, I’ve kept blaming myself. Even as I write this, I feel as if it’s still all my fault that it happened. It’s nowhere near as bad as it could have been, but it’s what I know as bad.

I'm now engaged to my wonderful soulmate. I met my fiancé a few weeks after this when I was ghosted. We met online and hit it off extremely well. We're getting married in October and I couldn't be happier. Especially since this memory finally showed itself and got sorted out. I'll never be able to forget this again; but like everyone else, I wish things had happened differently. My fiancé and two amazing friends know about this and now the whole world will. My next challenge is to once again work up the courage to tell my story again to my mother.