Me Too

There’s nothing worse than your trust being betrayed by someone you thought would always hold it.

Well, maybe there is. But that’s got to be the worst experiences of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let it go, but now’s as good as time as any to start. The first step in moving on has got to be sharing it, right?

I was inspired to do this by the #MeToo movement that has been going around. For my sake, all the details aren’t going to be here. The who and the when will remain a mystery.

Think of someone you’ve known forever. Not family necessarily, but they’ve been around you for most of the time you’ve been. You might even think of him as family. Always at events, always giving you assistance, always a part of your life. And you’re young. Young enough that you see them as an adult, the adult that you are not. Young enough that this is your first experience with sexual harassment.

And you haven’t even begun to have thoughts about sex, let alone know what isn’t appropriate, and know that it’s valid that you feel uncomfortable and unsafe now. Young enough that this shouldn’t have happened to you.

“You shouldn’t be dressing like that.” These words will make your skin crawl for the rest of your life, and you don’t know it yet.

“What?”

“Anyone could see everything under your shirt.” He whistles. He whistles. “Most men that you come across aren’t going to have as much control as I do.”

Your mind races and you don’t know what to do or say. So you do nothing; say nothing. The only thing you do know is that you feel gross, and you never want to be in this car again. Luckily, his car pulls into your driveway a few minutes later, and you go inside like nothing’s wrong.

Up until now you’d always thought of him as a role model, almost an older brother. Up until now you had every right to assume that was all there was.

But now you know he sees you as the pair of breasts you recently started noticing, and you see him as the reason you want to ask your mom what you can do about hiding your body, he’s the reason you cried when she took you bra shopping years later, and he’s the reason you will never wear your favorite shirt again.

You’ll wonder if you overreacted, and you’ll wonder if he meant it the way you took it. You’ll also wonder if you’ll ever feel comfortable in your own skin again.

He’s the reason you never go anywhere alone after 7 PM, and the reason you put your keys between your fingers as you walk down the street. He’s the reason you had a teenage turtleneck phase, and the reason none of your shirts or dresses are low cut.

As you grow older you become more and more wary of him, and every time for the rest of your life when you meet a new man your arms are crossed. You never told anyone. Since then you’ve had more, and worse experiences with sexual harassment, and have experienced what happens when you come across those men who “don’t have as much control” as he did.

It was the first time, and it’s impossible for you to forget. But it isn’t impossible to share, not anymore. You don’t have to go through anything alone if you don’t want to, and if you related to any part of this, just know: me too.