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Let's Talk About Consent

Breaking Down the Poem "My Truth" Part #1

By Lena MarquesPublished 6 years ago 9 min read
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This piece is my view on #consent. It is the first of a series of essays breaking down the poem "My Truth" to address in depth the social problems I refer to in that poem. If you haven't read it yet, please do. It'll give you context for this piece. Thanks :)

Defining Consent

I’m going to write a series of pieces breaking down the poem I wrote entitled “My Truth.” The first topic of the poem I want to address is CONSENT; believe it or not, in plain 2018, there is still a lot of doubt about what consent means and what can and cannot be done with consent. In the general use of the word, consent means an agreement between all involved parties. It is always best to only engage in any kind of conduct once all personnel directly impacted by such behavior consent to it. However, in some cases, there are laws above interpersonal consent. For example, if you live in a country in which abortion is illegal, it doesn’t matter if both parents consent in going through with the abortion, it’s still a crime. The same goes for having intercourse with a minor (below the consent age that varies from country to country, and in the USA, for example, from state to state); even if the minor wanted to go through with fornication, he/she is legally unfit to give consent and therefore it’s still a crime.

But what I talk about in my poem and want to further discussion here is interpersonal sexual consent. I was looking for a clear definition and found a one that addresses all its main points in the Canadian Criminal Code, specifically in article 273.1 subsections 1 and 2:

“273.1 (1) Subject to subsection (2) and subsection 265(3), consent means, for the purposes of sections 271, 272 and 273, the voluntary agreement of the complainant to engage in the sexual activity in question.

(2) No consent is obtained, for the purposes of sections 271, 272 and 273, where

(a) the agreement is expressed by the words or conduct of a person other than the complainant;

(b) the complainant is incapable of consenting to the activity;

(c) the accused induces the complainant to engage in the activity by abusing a position of trust, power or authority;

(d) the complainant expresses, by words or conduct, a lack of agreement to engage in the activity; or

(e) the complainant, having consented to engage in sexual activity, expresses, by words or conduct, a lack of agreement to continue to engage in the activity.”

Of course, legislation and criminalization of sexual assault vary from country to country, but the world would be a better place if everyone followed the definition given in the Canadian Criminal Code as a moral compass when it comes to consent. Article 273.1 (1) and (2) answers all the questions I ask in my poem, but I want to comment on each of them:

Does it have to be verbal?

No, it most definitely doesn't. This is fundamentally important, especially for those like myself, who have suffered sexual assault, to lift the guilt that we tend to feel due to being a victim. I didn’t allow what happened to me, even if I didn’t say the words “stop” and/or “no.” I didn’t ask or agree to being raped. It just happened, repeatedly, throughout my first relationship while I was fifteen going on sixteen.

Body language is a very expressive form of communication. In fact, it’s normally pretty straightforward to read someone’s body language to determine if a person wants to engage in more than a make-out session or not. For example, if you hear your partner(s) emitting those sexy gasping for air noises or moans; if the person guides your hands to where they want to be touched; if the person starts taking off his/her clothes or yours; then it’s a green light that the person is comfortable and enjoying what’s going on, making it alright to press forward and have wonderful sex.

However, if the person isn’t really responding to the foreplay, if he/she isn’t kissing you back or looking in your direction; if the person is flinching, backing away, or curling up in a protective position, then it’s definitely time to stop, because these are obvious signs that the person isn’t OK with going beyond initial fooling around.

Every person reacts differently when facing eminent stress and fear. Some people simply freeze; that doesn’t mean they agree with what is going on. In my personal case, there were times in which I did consent and had really good intimacy with my boyfriend at the time. On the other hand, there were repeated times in which it was forced. But the definition of consent was never properly discussed in my household or at school (in a future piece I’ll go in depth into this educational aspect), so it was a pretty blurry concept for me. Most of the times he abused me it was mid-make-out and while we were just floating between first and second base in the upstairs living room or the backyard of my house, with my parents there watching TV or working in their office areas; everything was fine. But very suddenly his hands were already inside my pants or forcing my head over his unzipped crotch. I would try to reason with him saying how inappropriate the situation was with my parents being around and all, but he would dismiss my arguments. As he was much stronger than me, physical resistance was useless, and I did love him at the time, so I would never risk screaming and getting both of us into trouble. Therefore, my standard reaction would be to just stiffen up as he did what he wanted and wait for it to be over. Back then I couldn’t understand that people you care about can be capable of hurting you, so I would tell myself that I was overreacting, that this was normal and not a big deal; I convinced myself that my body was just the logical trade coin for his affection. I was also a super insecure introvert; even when we were having consented sex, it was so hard for me to tell him that that determined position was hurting me. I most certainly didn’t have the strength to stand up to him and say “no.” But my body always spoke out for me when my voice couldn’t, and ignoring my body language is on no one else but him. It took me a very long time to understand that silence doesn’t equal consent. To cope with what happened to me I spent years convincing myself that since I didn’t say “no” deep down I had to want those things, right? But the horrible compressing sensation in my lungs was always there, just as the fear of being held strongly or touched in certain places. Eventually, I understood that I had been repeatedly violated, and it was another struggle to free myself of thinking that I was to blame for not actively stopping it.

Well, if you, reader, ever find yourself in doubt about someone's body language as things start to get hot between you, you can (and should) always ask. Simple questions like, “is it OK if I do this?” “Do you like it when I do that?” or “Do you want me to continue?” clear up the matter instantly. And it doesn’t have to be an awkward mood killer, it’s all a matter of using a sexy intonation as you ask. I guarantee that your partner(s) will appreciate your demonstration of caring about his/her well being and your desire to give him/him a pleasurable and rich experience.

Does saying yes once make it always OK?

Hell no! Just because you have already had intercourse with someone doesn’t mean you no longer need their permission to do it again. Consent has to be given every single time. And if the person doesn’t want to do it with you that time, it’s not the end of the world; it probably doesn’t mean that the person is no longer interested in you or no longer cares about you. Sometimes it’s just not an opportune moment due to external factors; sometimes we can be going through an emotional issue and are seeking comfort in your nurturing arms, not a quickie; other times we can simply not be in the mood for sex. Even though it’s called “being turned on” our bodies don’t come with magic buttons that will work every time to make us horny. Our sexual partner(s) need to respect our lack of consent and drop the matter. Living with a momentary case of “blue balls” is a million times better than living with the memories of being violated. It’s really uncool to make your partner(s) feel bad for saying “no.” We all need to remember that we owe nothing to our partners just the same as they owe us nothing. Therefore, if sexual intimacy doesn’t come willingly, it is undeniably sexual assault. Even if you try to justify yourself with statements such as “but I was super gentle,” or “but last time he/she really enjoyed it, and I did things in the same way.” It can’t possibly be gentle if you are not respecting your partner’s limits in that moment.

Can we change our minds midway?

Absolutely! It doesn’t matter if you are already naked with your partner(s), or even if any form of penetration is already taking place, you always have the right to stop it if it’s no longer being something you want to do. This is specifically important for people that are in a relationship with a sexual violence survivor. Please understand that literally anything can trigger a horrible flashback of the violence committed, and if that happens it doesn’t matter how much pleasure your partner was feeling seconds ago, that pleasure is gone now and has been replaced by discomfort and sorrow. This is no one’s fault, but you need to respect your partner’s sudden need for space and time to recover; they need your support, not your frustration on occasions such as these.

So a simple guide to good consenting sex is to: (1) read body language, (2) if in doubt, ask, (3) repeat 1 and 2 every single time you wish to have sex with your partner(s) and (4) don’t make a big deal of being sexually rejected in a given moment, just respect your partner as you yourself would like to be respected.

It’s also super healthy (and it can be very sexy) to talk about sex prior to actually having it; this way you can establish what kind of positions and movements are really appreciated, what things can be explored, and what things bring discomfort. Knowing the "NO NOs" beforehand help to eliminate awkwardness during sex. It’s not rocket science: the more you learn about what your partner(s) likes and dislikes, the better and more enjoyable sex will become. And showing that you are genuinely interested in your partner(s) by being mindful of them will make them feel appreciated as people, not just bodies. Sex and love don't have any obligation of walking side by side (even though it's awesome when it does happen), but sex and RESPECT need to walk hand in hand.

relationships
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About the Creator

Lena Marques

Lena, 24, Brazilian. I'm a biologist with a huge wanderlust. My biggest aspiration is to live (being it only a few months or many years) in at least 10 countries before I die (3 down, 7 to go). My worldview changes as I wander through it.

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