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When I looked in the mirror yesterday, all I saw was a 19-year-old girl with an endless amount of flaws. My hair didn’t fall the way I thought it should. I have acne spots. I looked down at my finger nails, angry that I didn’t have enough self-control to not bite them. I looked at my face—too round, too many freckles. My eyes, not blue enough. Eyebrows, they didn’t look the way the model’s did.
I looked away in disgust—infuriated with myself.
I noticed the scale. I had been losing weight. I wanted to see if I had lost some more. I knew, deep within myself, that it was a terrible idea. And as I stepped on the scale, I realized I was right... the numbers were high. Way. Too. High. The disgust flourished like a wildfire out of control. I couldn’t stop it.
I felt like I could never be good enough. And I guess that’s true. I could get my hair trimmed and dyed a different way, fix it up so it falls just the way I want it to. I could put on some make up to cover my skin flaws. I can go and get my nails done so I can, hopefully, finally stop biting them. Get my eyebrows done so they look “on point.” I can continue to lose weight, and finally be able to fit those jeans in the back of my closet.
But what then?
What happens when all of that happens?
Will I finally feel good enough?
Will I finally feel perfect?
The scary part, the terrifying truth, is I don’t think so. Actually, I know so. Because then I’d want my hair to be longer—or even shorter. I’d want to be prettier, thinner—or, heck, even thicker. The point is I don’t think that if I keep trying to “fix” myself I will learn to be happy with myself.
Ladies, we live in a society where we are expected to look and act a certain way. Is it just me or does that sound absolutely ridiculous? We are women! We are strong, powerful, amazing women! But even greater than that, we are human. Why do we insist on pretending that we’re something greater than that?
Gentlemen, you live in a society that forces you to be this image of a “real man.” You live in a world that tells you it’s not okay to be vulnerable. And then women get upset with you for not showing emotions the way they want you to. You are men. All of you. When you get hurt, your heart may break, you may even cry. You ARE vulnerable. You are also human.
The world tells us it’s not okay to be okay. The world tells us that even when we feel at our utmost broken self, that we have to pretend that everything is just peachy.
But the truth is, everything is not okay. Today was crap for me. I’m sick, coughing and sniffles, just feeling awful; but this is one of the most truthful things I have ever taken the time to write.
I am so tired of looking in the mirror and only seeing flaws. I am so tired of feeling like a failure. I am exhausted at trying to be “good enough.” So I have decided not to. I decided that I will be proud of who I am. Because I am a woman. I am a strong, beautiful, amazing woman—flaws and all. I am who I am. I am beautifully, and powerfully made. And so are you.
So tomorrow morning, when I look into the mirror, I know the flaws will still be there—but I will not focus on them. Because my eyes are beautiful. My hair is fine, the makeup is artifact, and frankly, I am done with it all. I like the way I look—I am a proud potato. Hehe.
So I urge you all to be just as proud. I urge you all to find it in yourself to be okay with not being okay. Because, believe it or not... it is okay.
You are all perfect the way you are—yes, ALL of you.