I Was Pressured Into Dating My Rapist

May 18th of 2016. Three days after I turned eighteen, I was raped by someone I considered a really good friend. I'll start from the beginning:

It was the summer I turned eighteen, and I wanted to get out of the house for a while before college. I didn't have a job at the time, but my best friend, Lexi, was staying with our close friend, T, in his studio apartment not too far from my mom's house. It was in walking distance, so I walked over there a few times before my birthday and stayed over a few nights. It was really fun having an apartment to ourselves. We ate junk food, stayed up late watching Netflix, went swimming in the apartment pool. T said it would be cool if I moved in, too. So on my eighteenth birthday, I started moving my stuff over there. I didn't take everything, just my clothes, shoes, and basic essentials.

Lexi's boyfriend, Kale, was also staying there. It may seem like it would've been crowded, but it was a group of four friends who were having fun. The sleeping arrangements were weird at first; Lexi and Kale slept on a palette on the floor while I shared a king sized bed with T. He slept on one side, I slept on the other, but we shared a blanket. Again, it wasn't a problem. We had been friends for five years—it was cool.

Soon after I decided to move in, T relentlessly hit on me, despite hitting on me for the years we've known each other and always getting nowhere. I'd told him many times that he wasn't my type, and I saw him more as a brother. He kept making passes at me, and I kept asking him to stop. Sure, I may have been blushing, but only because I'm a shy and awkward person who doesn't like being hit on.

On May 17th, my cousin, Sean, and his girlfriend, Cassie, came over. They had weed and alcohol, and we were going to party and watch scary movies or something. I'm not really a drinker, but I did get really high and fall asleep. Before I fell asleep, I noticed everyone else was sleeping except for T and Kale, who were outside smoking cigarettes. I fell asleep soundly on my side of the bed, wearing an oversized T-shirt and sweatpants.

A few hours later, I awoke to the bed shaking and pressure on top of me. I was still really high and confused. I looked up to see why the bed was moving and what was on top of me, and I saw T. He was halfway laying on me, holding his torso up with his hands on the bed. He was naked, and, looking down, I found out I was half naked, too, and he was inside of me. My first thoughts were hysterical ones; How had I not felt this happening? His dick must be small if he can fuck me in my sleep. Then I realised what was happening. He was raping me.

I pushed T off of me, threw my pants and underwear back on, and went outside to sit on the stairs. Kale was there, smoking, and he offered me a cigarette. I took one, despite promising myself to never smoke. When the cigarette was done, I put it out on my finger. Kale noticed and asked what was wrong. I told him what had just happened and started to cry, only to dry my tears quickly because T came to join us. He noticed my red eyes and had the audacity to ask if I was okay. I just went back inside and went to sleep on the floor.

Now, you're wondering why I didn't call the police immediately. I was high, and we were all under the age of 20 with alcohol and weed in our systems. It would've made things worse. You're probably also wondering why I didn't call my mom and go back to her house. Like I said, I was high. I didn't want her to think negatively of me.

I talked to Lexi later that day. She said she was awake while it was happening, and that I never said no or asked him to stop. I wanted to point out the fact that I had been asleep, but T walked up to us and it ended our conversation. Instead, T talked about how much he liked me and was happy we finally "did it."

Now I had Lexi, Kale, and T talking to me about T's feelings for me and how I should date him.

"He's liked you for five years, you might as well just date him by now."

I didn't want to lose my friends. I was still unclear about what happened. There were multiple sides to the story. I didn't want to tell my mom what happened and have her go overboard. I wanted to be able to have free access to weed and alcohol. I still wanted to enjoy my summer, but I couldn't do that with no friends.

I said yes. I'd date him, if it meant everyone would leave me alone about how much he "loves" me.

A dew days later, Lexi and I were outside on our phones, and these three guys walked up to us. They lived down the hall from T. We had seen them a few times. They were all so attractive. They invited us over to hang out, so we did. James, Jason, and Cain were their names. Jason and Cain were brothers, James was their cousin. We had fun, got high and watched some anime show for a while until James and Jason had to leave. That left Lexi, Cain, and I at Cain's apartment.

He asked if we liked Batman, and of course we did, so he put on one of the Batman movies and we sat on his bed watching. A little ways through the movie, Lexi got bored and went back to T's apartment. Cain and I got a bit distracted and ended up making out. I got embarrassed because he asked if I was single, which technically I wasn't, even if I felt like I was. I went back to T's apartment, and when I got there, he was explaining how much he hates Cain for stealing a previous girlfriend of his. He wouldn't like knowing Cain and I had just made out. Seeing T upset like that made me happy. He was close to feeling how I felt about him. I told Lexi what happened between Cain and I, knowing she'd tell T. She'd always chosen him over me, even though she only knows him because of me. We all stayed friends. T said he was happy if I was happy. Cain said I could mostly stay with him, if I was okay with it. I was. I was happy to be getting out of that cramped apartment that only felt cramped because of T.

T began moping around. Lexi kept talking about how much T missed me. Cain and I broke up because he liked some other girl, so I moved back to T's apartment. I was clear with him that it was to only be friendly contact and nothing sexual or close to a relationship, and he said okay.

Flash forward a year; I haven't talked to or seen T since I left for college. Lexi snapchats me a picture of him, to which I respond "ew."

She replies with a chat saying, "You guys would be friends if you didn't make everything difficult."

I make everything difficult? He raped me.

"That's not what happened, I was there. And if he raped you then why did you say yes to going out with him?"

Because you and Kale and everyone else pressured me into it. I didn't want to have a depressing summer alone before starting college.

"Whatever. I wouldn't have stopped talking to you if you went back home. And you hurt T. You left him for the guy who already stole one of his ex girlfriends, and then when you moved back in, you fucked Jason in T's bathroom knowing how T feels about you. What kind of friend does that?"

I was high, and you fucked James while you're with Kale. T raped me. In my sleep. What kind of friend does that?

We went back and forth, arguing about T. She didn't take my side on anything I had to say about the situation. She stuck up for T.

I no longer talk to anyone I hung out with that summer, but I still think about it all the time. I have thoughts like: Why didn't I just go back to my mom's house the next day? Why did I say yes to dating him? Did he really rape me?Why would I have stayed there if he raped me?

Rape culture is real, and when even your best friend of seven years takes the side of your rapist, it's hard to believe you've been raped. If you didn't say yes, or weren't conscious, it's rape. I still have doubts, and I still question myself. There are so many people out there supporting rapists, and it's not okay. This needs to stop.