'I Am Fat'

There you go, I can finally say (or write) this in a way that brings no strong reaction or emotion within me. I see it as a simple neutral statement that describes my body. My body is fat. I am fat.

This has not always been like this. Not so long ago, I would have cringed, felt deep shame, denied it, or chosen whatever other words I could think of, that felt more soothing to my self-perception.

A couple of weekends ago, I was being interviewed for a project and one of the questions was: ‘What is it that you most appreciate about your body?’ I had not been thinking about this for some time and I was surprised that what came out was: ‘I love my soft and squishy body’. It used to be: ‘I love my hair’ or ‘I love my eyes’ which felt safe areas for me to express love to in my body.

I feel that it all started to change when I decided, not quite sure about the timing, that I would stop shaming myself about what I eat. I would stop trying any diets and wanting to change my body. I decided that I would simply observe myself when I was overeating and that was it. No more making myself feel horrible for eating a whole bar of chocolate in one go. I started noticing that my eating was mostly to comfort myself, I started noticing what events in my life were making me comfort eat more.

Another decision was to never ever buy or look at a women’s magazine. Or watch anything with publicity in it. Just these two simple decisions made a massive impact on my body image. It did not make me love my body more, but it took the pressure off, I was finally not being constantly confronted with these bodies I would never ever be able to achieve. It was such a relief. It literally made me feel happier.

I left things at that for a few years. I kept noticing myself. I went back to self criticism of my body, many times. I shamed myself for over eating. I felt a failure for not being able to restrain myself and for putting on weight again and again. Every time, I came back to self-compassion, to neutrality, to just being in the present moment of ‘this is my body’.

In the process of remembering childhood trauma (you can read about my story here), and learning more about trauma in general, both in therapy, my own self reflection and observation I understood that overeating and obesity are often side effects from these life changing events. I have also understood that my comfort eating does just that, it comforts me. It is one way I have come up of soothing myself, in some ways, it is a way of giving myself love. Recently I was including a fast day in my week and soon realised that this felt to me like self-harm, that I was not ready to incorporate this in my life if it was not a compassionate practice.

More recently, I was noticing I was getting very triggered, in the form of frustration and anger, at some of the images on my Instagram account from people I was following. There were a lot of amazing bodies contorted into beautiful postures and I noticed myself longing again for that transformation that is not really possible, because my body is my body and that other women’s body is their body. Unique in their own way and life experience. So, I made a conscious decision to bring a whole lot more body diversity into my feed.

I started following accounts on body positivity, accounts that make and sell clothes for fat bodies, etc. It has been an amazing experience for me. On a daily basis I get to see all sorts of body diversity, confront my own misconceptions of beauty and just appreciate the human body in all its shapes and sizes. It feels liberating, it feels so so healing and loving. There is a particular account at the moment that makes me finally appreciate the rolls, dimples, stretch marks and fullness of the human body. The photography is absolutely beautiful and I am grateful for having them in my social media. Check it out: https://instagram.com/shooglet?igshid=4v4bry7swx7v

(Invitation: Observe your thoughts and the sensations in your body when you look at the photos, go back every day to look at more of the photos and start noticing the change in you, regardless of what your body looks like.)

A few weeks ago, I decided I wanted to connect to my body more and also to have a more loving relationship with it. I created and guided myself through a series of meditations focusing on different parts of the body. A journey through every single part of my body. A journey of unconditional love, connecting to the neutral and healing energies of the earth and the sky, a journey of forgiveness, of bringing joy to my body piece by piece. The aim was to connect to my body and bring it love, it did just that and got me to this exact moment where I am able to say ‘I am fat’ and be totally ok with it.

It has also inspired me to create a journey for others with a series of short guided meditations connecting to all the different body parts. I want to call it Body Love. It is still being cooked and baked inside of me. I feel really inspired by it and of sharing it with others. Different components of this are coming together and I look forward to fully birthing it in the coming months.

May you find peace within yourself, may you find acceptance for all the parts of you you once wanted to change, may you find the courage to be present in the person you are today, may you get closer to feeling comfortable with being the real you.

(Photo credit: Iveta Kovacova Photography)