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How to Cope When You Don't Feel Quite 'Gay Enough'

Impostor Syndrome in the LGBTQ+ Community

By Ziggy MothPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Pride Parade Calgary, Canada. Credit: Levi Saunders

For years, something wasn't quite right. I was dating guys, a lot of guys actually, having serious relationships with them, one night stands (sorry mum) and just about everything in between, but it never really fit. I envied my straight, female friends who could feel truly attracted to a guy. In a room at a party, they could genuinely pick a boy they liked the look of above all the others. For me, every man invoked the same reaction which led to many confusing moments; Am I in love with everyone I know or no-one at all? No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't seem to look at a man and think holy damn I wanna tap that. No surprises, it's because I didn't want to.

I think I was always subconsciously aware of being a lesbian. After all, my high school friends can recall many an occasion where I expressed my love for Lorelai Gilmore. This was always accompanied by the qualifying statement that I could never be a lesbian as I just didn't like boobs that much. Amidst the decades-long facade, I was ultimately terrified of being outed, most of all to myself. So two years ago when I finally realised that I wasn't attracted to men at all, in any way, nuh-uh, nope, I had hoped that my fear of being found a fraud would disappear. It hasn't. Manifesting in a slightly different way I now have one prevailing fear that I'm just not LGBTQ+ enough. I have developed LGBTQ+ related impostor syndrome and sometimes it gets me down.

I'm acutely aware that I am fairly femme in many ways, perhaps being described as a tomboy on my most 'masculine' of days. While being butch isn't actually a lesbian requirement I did feel very confused in my first year or so of open lesbianism, not knowing which clothes I had bought for myself and which I'd bought to appease the male gaze. I'm still figuring that bit out. Dressing femme makes me feel really... not gay. When I walk down the street my biggest worry is that someone will think that my girlfriend is just my friend and that really hurts.

Secondly, I have still only ever kissed one girl, and rather a few more men. Entirely irrationally I am jealous every time I hear a story about a baby dyke and her middle school crush, that time she kissed her best friend at the school disco, or even people who just knew from a very young age. I often consider the possibility that my sexuality has been fluid, but ultimately the signs have been pointing towards my love of women for many years. I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out, but I'm glad that I did, eventually.Still, I can't help but feel like I'm not really a part of the lesbian community, that my past makes me suspicious, that one day someone will be able to look into my soul and say LOOK! She's not even really gay! Maybe these feelings are leftover from so many years of hiding from myself who I really am, or maybe it's just another facet of society to constantly question yourself when you've stepped outside the expected 'norm'. What I do know is that no matter how you identify, if you say that's who you are then nobody else should feel they have the authority to question you. I love women and no amount of impostor syndrome can change that.I just need to work on convincing myself.

lgbtqia
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About the Creator

Ziggy Moth

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