How I Was Sexually Assaulted by My Boyfriend

I want to write about being sexually assaulted, but it didn't happen the way you'd imagine. He used to get me so high that I was paralyzed, and then he would do things to me that felt good. It felt good in my body, but was it really what I wanted mentally? In my head, I would wish for it to stop, but it looked like a different story because my body was reacting in a way that I couldn't control. He would give me orgasm after orgasm, resulting in me becoming so mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. I was also completely unable to say no in that situation. How is it sexual assault if it felt good? How is it sexual assault if it's your boyfriend?

I can answer that last question right here: anyone can sexually assault you. It doesn't have to be a stranger, or some asshole—it can be close to home and it can come from someone you love. According to LEAF, Canada defines sexual assault as "all unwanted sexual activity, such as unwanted sexual grabbing, kissing, and fondling as well as rape." Further, they also say that both parties must verbally consent to sexual activity in order for it to be legal. "Silence or passivity does not equal consent."

So when someone touches you sexually when you don't want them to, even if it's someone who should love you, it's considered sexual assault. If you're too intoxicated or "out of it" to say no, that's sexual assault. I hope realizations aren't popping into your head.

According to this website, "after the rush of an orgasm, dopamine levels drop below baseline, similar to what happens during withdrawal from drugs of abuse." This means that every time you orgasm, your brain feels tired and needs to take a break for some time. If you keep orgasming and releasing dopamine, your neurotransmitter levels are getting lower and lower. You're basically draining your battery. If you're too exhausted to say no, you shouldn't be doing anything.

I didn't know I was being sexually assaulted until after the fact. My boyfriend has since died, and it's been hard to try and find closure with a dead person. I have so many questions for him, like—did you mean to put me in that position? Did things just get a little out of hand? Am I making a big deal out of a little situation?

I know some people will read this and say, "It can't be rape if you had an orgasm," because it can. It feels like the worst violation, especially because your body is turning against your mind and saying yes when you really want to say no. And here you're probably thinking, why didn't you just say no? If you've ever been emotionally abused, you'll know that saying no isn't always so easy.

Is guilt a form of manipulation? After you say no, the guilt comes. It's all your fault that they can't get their release. They'll want to release it in other ways. He used to make me feel bad about him not getting off, even after I was so exhausted, and he would make me do things to him to promise his happy ending. I felt like I was barely there. Sometimes I think back and wonder if it was all a dream, because it's all blurry. My brain was so fried that I can't remember all the times it happened. I just remembered being numb through it, staring at a spot on the wall until it was over.

Is this any way to have a sexual relationship? Absolutely not. Now that I'm past this, I've learned a lot about what's healthy sexual behavior and what's not healthy sexual behavior. I hope that you've learned a little bit from this article and are more aware about sexual assault and one of the many forms it can come in.