How I Survived My Past

At the ripe age of 20, I among many others have experienced what life is like after being raped.

I was around the age of 4 or 5 (I was young, and it's hard to remember exact ages). I was introduced to a sexual life that I shouldn't have had to live or understand until I was much older. This ultimately altered my life and my perception of myself.

He approached me with a "game." It was supposed to be fun and it would make him very happy if we could play this game together. I of course agreed. I couldn't help but be excited to be able to play a game. He was sixteen at the time. My older brother's friend. We would go out to the woods and "play this game" where he would touch my private parts, and I would touch his. The rule of the game was never to tell anyone else, ever. I, wanting to follow the rules of the game, told no one. It was always convenient for him to come over and play this game because he lived right down the road from me.

As I got older, the "game" changed. It went from just touching to him wanting oral sex. I didn't understand why we had to do this. I didn't like the first version of the game, and I most certainly was not appreciative of the second version. I didn't like touching him in the crotch and didn't understand why he always wanted to touch mine. This was when I was around six years old. At this time I had started to hate seeing him. I didn't want him to come over anymore, and I tried to stay away from him.

I remember one day, I was sleeping on the couch, and he woke me up by pressing my foot against his dick so I would wake up. Other times I would go use the bathroom and he would follow me to the bathroom so he could perform these actions to me. I started to pee my pants much more often than I used to. My private parts would hurt after every time these encounters happened. Finally, he wanted to start having sex. I didn't know what sex was, or how it worked. It hurt so bad I cried and cried. He didn't care, he just kept going, for his own pleasure of course. He did this a few other times, sex, oral, and molestation. This happened until his family FINALLY moved away from down the road.

Now, 15 years after the fact, I still relive these things that happened to me. How do I cope with something that made me so scared and lonely? In my dreams I can still feel his wretched touch on my tiny body. I never realized how wrong this little "game" we played together was until I was in high school. I never told a soul about it either.

Why you might ask?

I never told anyone because I thought this reflected on myself. I didn't tell anyone when I was a child, so why would someone believe me now? What could I do with this information now that I'm older? Nothing. I felt defeated. I cried every time I tried to be intimate throughout most of my teen years. I would flash back to my five year old self, and feel what she felt.

Finally, this is how I coped with this traumatic stress that has affected my life.

I told my best friend what had happened to me as a child. She held me as I cried about my adolescence being taken away. Telling someone what had happened to me made me feel some kind of closure. I felt like I didn't have to hold onto my rapist any longer. Our game was over, and he couldn't control me anymore. After I told my friend about what had happened I was open to men again. I didn't have to seclude myself anymore. I realized my self worth and how much I deserved, and I'LL BE DAMNED if a rapist will control my life. I am a woman, strong, and I can conquer my PTSD.