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#METOO. I can say that until my face is blue, and there are plenty of other men and women out there that can say it too. My abuse didn’t start with sexual abuse and it didn’t end with sexual abuse, but it was layered with that and both physical and emotional abuse. It’s been a regular staple of my life since I was born.
I’m not a victim. Please don’t take this article the wrong way or read things into it that I am not saying. What I am doing here is reaching out to you, the other people that have been used and abused, and letting you know that you’re a survivor and you can keep going and live a happy and fulfilling life. All you need to do is break free from the cycle of abuse.
My most prominent childhood memories that revolve around my mom are of me being frightened all the time. Pictures of me as a young child generally showed me crying or clinging to her leg. This was because if I roamed off too far I got in trouble for one reason or another. Trouble would mean a spanking. When I was a teen it meant beatings.
I remember one time when I only looked at her wrong and she threw me to the floor and started kicking me. My mom did this to me. But it made me a stronger person. While she is the reason I chose not to be a mother, I did learn to be more compassionate. Instead of learning hatred, I learned to focus more on love.
My mom is gone now, and for the first couple years after her death, I had problems dealing with missing her and reminding myself how terrible of a mother she was. She was both physically and emotionally abusive to me. However, through poetry and understanding, I learned to let go. I looked at things through her eyes and I wrote down my feelings so they’d no longer be locked up in my mind.
High School Bullies
I was bullied in high school. I had awful friends sometimes as well. By my senior year, I literally had no friends in the same school I attended. I don’t remember why, but I do know that it taught me to be a better friend. I am caring and compassionate with the people I call friends, even when they don’t return those sentiments. Although recently I learned how to let go of people that just use me as an emotional punching bag or to be their scapegoat for their own crappy lives.
Being bullied in high school was the drive I needed to get up and leave the small (and small-minded) town I grew up in. How did I let go of this high school bullying? Well, I grew up. All you have to do is get through it and the rest of your life will be so much better.
Attempted Rape and Date Rape
It’s difficult to get over abuse, but it’s even more difficult to get over rape and molestation. When I was little, about seven, my mom’s boyfriend stuck his hand down my pants. This is the man I called my dad all my life. I blocked out the memory until adulthood. He told me never to tell anyone because they wouldn’t believe me anyway. When I told people, after he died, they didn’t believe me… he wasn’t lying.
I’ve been raped. There have been attempted rapes and guys trying to force me to do other things with/to them. For a long time it affected me greatly when it came to being physically intimate, and sometimes it still does. In fact, this is the hardest type of abuse to get over. While I no longer have nightmares, I still flinch sometimes when someone tries to touch me.
The best thing to help you deal with this, aside from the obvious (therapy), is to find a significant other that cares and is understanding. That’s the one thing keeping me going now.
When I finally left, I was the bad guy. However, I was the one used as an emotional punching bag on a daily basis by a person that was lazy, continually angry, and hateful. I should have known from the beginning it would fail when he was having an emotional relationship with an ex of his online, and when he told me that he’d never love me, I should have walked away. Instead, I stuck around and married him.
There’s way more to this story, but the point of this article is to tell you that I survived and I came out better on the other side. How do you survive an emotionally abusive marriage? You leave. Find a safe way out if you’re worried about it turning physical (like I was). It will take awhile, but you will get back on your feet and life will be better. And now you’ve learned to be a better judge of character.
Bullies and Abusive Friends
The last thing I had to deal with, even after the other abusers in my life were gone and even after I left my emotionally abusive marriage, were abusive friends that bullied me and used me. Since letting these people walk out of my life (they leave when you no longer serve their purposes) I have learned how to be a better judge of character and more aware of the signs of narcissism (this, much like abuse, is a common theme in the people I allow in my life starting with my mom).
If your only friends feel more like enemies then you’re better off without any friends at all. Find things to do that make you feel good about yourself. You just need yourself when it comes to happiness. Pick a hobby that fulfills you, and stop relying too much on other people.