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Homework from My Therapist

A Letter to My Rapist

By Little AlienPublished 5 years ago 6 min read
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I was tasked by my therapist to write a letter to the man who sexually assaulted me. I was told I never had to send it to him and that is was for myself...something in me really wanted to share it though so I could truly get my feelings out. So here I am, and here is a letter to my rapist.

Dear Rapist,

They always say forgiveness is for yourself and not the one who hurt you. I myself agree, as knowing personally how much of a weight it can take off one's shoulder. I have also heard it said once that you shouldn't hate someone in life because we barely have enough time to love others (which is also something I tend to preach a bit). Unfortunately for myself I am a hypocrite this time. I struggle each day trying to forget that I can't even recall all of the things you did to me. Unfortunately for myself I do not forgive you, and I hate you. I never realized such love could be turned so deeply into hate.

We had been friends for eleven years. You knew everything about me, just as I knew of your past you tried to keep secret so well. You were a victim of bullying in the past and suffered years of that kind of abuse. When I met you I could see what was going on and befriended you. You were innocent and wrongfully targeted. I defended and protected you as I could, to the point where you even said I saved your life. I cared and trusted you with all of my heart, and that makes everything so much harder.

When a loved one betrays you so strongly, it feels as if your heart is being ripped out. You feel conflicted and confused because you love this person and never would have expected them to hurt you like this. You give so much love and start to wonder if you aren't good enough. Why wasn't my love enough? I decided to write this letter because despite the fact you will never get this, I have to get this off of my chest so maybe I can forgive you in the future. I will not forgive you anytime soon and it is partially by choice. I have struggled with mental illness for my whole life and you knew that. You knew I had tried to commit suicide in the past, and you knew I hated myself. You knew I had a rough childhood growing up in foster care, and you knew how I was abused as a child. You knew I lost my real parents and that I felt so alone. You also knew I was a virgin. You told my best friend you were glad you took my virginity and I am disgusted.

My body feels ruined and dirty. I was on spring break which coincidentally coincided with my twenty-first birthday. I was at the school of my dreams. You knew I loved horses and that I was completely ecstatic to have the opportunity to go to an equestrian school despite my situation. Do you want to know something I never told you? I used my fathers life insurance money to help pay for part of that. I never wanted to spend that money ever. It wasn't a lot of money but it meant so much to me. It was the only thing he left me aside from my love for horses. I mustered up the courage with the idea this is what my father would have wanted. He was the first one to introduce me to horses. He rented a pony for my fourth birthday party, and the moment my hand touched the furry warm and muscular neck of this animal I was hooked. I was grateful to him for sparking this unbelievably deep passion for them. Even though I had just been violated I still went back to school after my break. I thought being with the horses would heal me. Little did I know that they weren't enough for this.

The nightmares, the panic attacks. Just seeing someone with a similar look brought me back to that horrible night. My biggest dream to work with horses was ruined because I wasn't strong enough. You defeated me this time. I couldn't handle being alone in another state without a support system so I dropped out. I cried as I filled out the drop out forms. My emotions were pouring out to the point I even told the lady at the front desk that I hated myself for not being strong. My coping method was to sleep...for days at a time. I didn't have a job for a little while and I just slept trying to escape everything. I started self harming again even though I was clean for years. Reality hit hard when I started getting letters having to pay off my loans so I had to get a job. I was lucky enough to get a seasonal job with horses, and then a real job with dogs. I had numbed myself and pushed everything so far away that I was able to handle the pressure both of these jobs had brought me.

Even after numbing oneself, a person can only put it off for a little while. I decided to go out with my older sister for some drinks one night and you walked into the bar. You walked in just as the song I requested of the live band there played my song. A song that my dad loved so much. I hid my face because I had requested this song and felt bad just leaving. You were holding hands with another girl and looked happy. I started to shake with disgust and anger. You get to be happy and I don't. How is that fair? What you did to me ruined my life and you are able to live as if you did nothing wrong. You made me feel as if you never cared about me to begin with.

After months at this new job I snapped and had another suicide attempt after a bad night filled with flashbacks. I was forced to stay in the hospital for almost two weeks. Even though it never really helped much it still helped distract me a bit. When I got out of the hospital I was lucky that my boss was so understanding. She comforted me and I was able to begin working again a month later. She told me to take a break then come back. Presently all I am doing now is working. I love this job but am struggling. I want to go back to a college nearby and get a degree but I am not sure if I will be able to handle it. My life now is just paying off my debts and it is hell.

You are probably wondering why I am telling you all of this and I have a simple answer for that. As of now you destroyed my future. I hate you. You don't deserve to be happy while I want to die all of the time. I want you to suffer knowing someone you cared about hates you this much now. I do not know if I will ever forgive you because even though I want to for myself, you do not deserve it. You are a monster who hid himself so well. After all of this I just have one last thing to say to you. Go to hell!

Sincerely,

Your Former Friend

If you or a loved one has been sexually assaulted: Call 911, or the Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673. Available 24 hours a day.

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About the Creator

Little Alien

Taking a little bit longer but not giving up.

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