He Never Laid a Finger on Me

Glen and I were high school sweethearts. I loved him and thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. I looked at him and often wondered how somebody like him could want to be with someone like me. I was this chubby, short, unpopular girl and to me, he was this slightly older, much cooler Adonis. Glen was very spoiled. If he wanted something specific for dinner, he'd get it. If he wanted a certain game system, even if they didn't have the money, he'd still have it. New guitar? Sure. Lessons to go with it? You betcha. His mom even did his laundry for him. He was very fortunate even though his family was NOT very well off. As you can imagine, he was used to getting his way and I fed into that immediately upon dating him.

When I was younger, I was assigned two talent agencies. I wanted to be an actress or singer more than almost anything in the world. When I was in junior high, I was invited to go to the international Modeling and Talent Association conference in New York. I had a demo tape, headshots, the whole nine yards. Glen knew about this and knew that acting and singing were my passion. While I'd love to say that he jumped up to support me in achieving this dream, he didn't. I distinctly remember us talking one afternoon and him saying, "I don't want to be known as that one famous person's boyfriend." As such, I dropped everything and committed myself to him. A dumb move? Yup! But I was a freshman in high school and in love. Throughout our relationship, I really wanted to make him happy no matter what. Froe, one of my best friends, saw everything I was doing for him, how he treated me, and didn't care for him. Glen would skip going to specific events because it inconvenienced him or he'd complain about things that were small until I fixed it. Froe saw all this and told me that he was using me and manipulating me, but I wouldn't listen. Our friendship of multiple years ended immediately after. My devotion and desire to give him everything never faltered, even after that. I remember one birthday of his, he wanted a very specific movie that at the time was only available on VHS. No one could find it in the store so I got on my hands and knees and crawled to thoroughly look through the bottom shelves of the store in order to find it for him. He deserved everything in my eyes and I wanted to make sure he always had it. That was my mission while we were together.

My senior year of high school, he asked me to be his wife and I said yes. I was elated and couldn't believe it. This was pretty much a dream come true. I could never understand why my mom wasn't as happy about it as I was, but I just shrugged it off. After I graduated, I decided to go to the same college as him to get a business degree. During that time, I also got a job working on campus with a friend of ours. This whole time, I didn't drive (in fact, I still don't). I have severe anxiety and a legitimate phobia of being in the driver seat. As such, Glen would let me bum rides with him to school and he'd pick me up... sometimes. We were both huge gamers and really into WoW (World of Warcraft). We belonged to a raiding guild and he always wanted to join in on the raids. As such, if he could get in on it, then I'd have to bus home. It bothered me, as the place we lived at the time often reached sweltering temperatures, but I tried not to complain. He was happy to be able to raid and I should be happy for him. By now, I'm sure some people can see the sea of red flags. If this wasn't enough to make it obvious that this relationship was unhealthy, I got my biggest sign from his mother.

Glen's mother was a bit harsh at times, but overall, she was a sweet and loving woman. I adored her, called her "Mom," and enjoyed her company. One night she, Glen, and myself came back from seeing a live band play and she was incredibly intoxicated. Glen stayed in the car as she walked me to my front door. She leaned in close to me and said, "I've created a monster that you will have to live with." I knew what she meant. I knew that Glen had gotten used to a life of always getting what he wanted and I now was going to have to take care of him. Still, I pressed on and walked down the aisle to become his wife. I loved him and as such that meant I should be ready to do anything for him, right?

Once we got married, it all became worse. Because he didn't want to have to commute more than five minutes to his job, we picked a nice apartment close to his work but almost a mile walk from a bus stop, so if I wanted to go anywhere, then I'd have to make the walk in the heat. I was a stay-at-home wife, so I cooked, cleaned, and made sure he was taken care of. I was often lonely, as he wasn't big on having lots of people over. To top it off, I was a 45-minute drive away from the city that held most of my friends and my family. I remember having to beg him to let me have one party just so I could see everyone again. It almost felt like he wanted me isolated from everyone except our one, mutual, best friend.

To further complicate things, we agreed to have an open relationship. We both had limited exposure to others in an intimate manner as we were each other's first, and thought that being open sexually doesn't negate loving each other. I wasn't straight and had always had non-monogamous tendencies before, so this prospect excited me. Little did I know that the open relationship was only working if he was dating and/or sleeping with other people. He never searched on his own and as such, I found all his prospective partners for him. One of these people was a friend of mine that he had a huge crush on. I got him a date with her the same night I was going to see a long-time crush of mine. That day would forever change everything.

The afternoon before Glen's date, he came home for lunch to advise me that if it went well, he'd pursue a relationship with her. As I said, I've always had non-monogamous tendencies and am what I know now to be polyamorous, so I didn't see an issue with this. Glen further clarified that if things worked with her then he didn't want us, he only wanted her. I remember feeling heartbroken, but laughing as we joked about how our relationship could be over. He assured me though that he wouldn't kick me out and that we could still have sex until they became serious. That night, he left for his date and I pushed it out of my mind as I finally got to see Jacob, my long-time crush and friend of over a year.

Jacob and I hit it off and had a mind-blowing evening. I told him about what had happened to me that afternoon and without skipping a beat he said, "Then come home with me." I couldn't believe he had told me that, but the chemistry was insane and my husband had essentially told me it was over, so I told him I would. That night, Glen came home and looked off. I went to our room to talk to him and let him know that I'd likely be leaving with Jacob tomorrow. Glen looked furious and immediately ripped into me. He told me that the date didn't go as planned and that he couldn't believe I was ready to walk out on our marriage. He continued to say that he felt as if I cheated on him and was hurt. Even though I had his blessing and he was ready to leave me that afternoon, it was all my fault. I felt horrible and apologized profusely. I left the room, told Jacob that I couldn't leave with him, and saw him off the next day. From this point on, it became the worst time of my life.

Since I had "cheated" and hurt Glen so badly, I was kept in a constant state of repentance. I even bought him a new wedding ring, one more expensive than my own, just so I could apologize and asked him to marry me again. I took ownership of it all. Still, this didn't stop us from the never ending fights. He'd yell, scream, and usually hit something. I was constantly reminded how I "cheated" on him and how badly I had hurt him. Almost weekly, we'd fight until I'd run out of the house and just roam the streets or go to the nearby park. I'd call my best friend, Marie, who kept offering to let me stay with her, but I always passed on the offer. One fight, he took off his wedding ring and threw it against the wall so hard it bent. But just like every fight before, I'd eventually cave and apologize for everything. I actually started feeling like I was the worst wife in existence, no matter what I'd do. I actually remember getting drunk one afternoon alone and contemplating suicide.

My mom, Marie, and Jacob were the only people who knew everything that was going on. Everyone else thought I had the perfect life with the perfect husband. To those that I let in on what was going on, they knew this was toxic. They tried to tell me, but it didn't kick in. I remember being so sick I couldn't leave bed and my dishes stacking up because I wasn't cleaning them. My mom came to my place to spend time with me and saw the condition of the kitchen. She knew I was panicked because they needed to be done and ended up cleaning the dishes for me. They had sat so long there were maggots on one of the plates. She then stayed at the house until Glen came home and yelled at him for not helping me when I was sick. After she left, I apologized for the incident and took the blame. Needless to say, he started to dislike it when I'd go to see my mom.

When helping Glen and I move, my mother, in a last ditch effort to get through to me, said, "If he hit you, how many times would it take until you left?" I replied, "Once," looking at her as if the answer was so obvious that she shouldn't even ask. "And your emotions, your feelings, how many times does he have to hit them?" I looked away and didn't say a word. I knew she was right, but I loved him and clearly this wasn't as bad as him actually hitting me. These were just arguments and we were just in a rough patch. Even though he refused to see a counselor, we'd still get better eventually.

After moving, he allowed me to have a HUGE birthday party at our new apartment. Me and a ton of my friends share birthdays in August so we'd have a huge party together. This year was especially important because we all turned 20. The party (although not crazy) went on all night and into the next day. Glen started to get upset and told me he wanted the house empty immediately. As such, I told everyone to head to the pool. We all went swimming and were having a good time when Glen showed up to the pool shortly after. Silently but harshly, he barked orders at me to make everyone go home and to tell me not to keep upsetting him. He then stormed off back to the apartment. I turned around, tears pouring down my face, and got back into the pool. Jacob, who was an August birthday and at this party, saw me and told everyone to get out of the pool. They all got out and he threw his arms around me and let me cry.

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

"I'm going to send everybody home and then apologize to Glen for fucking up again," I replied.

"No, you're not. You're done with that. This isn't your fault and you need to stop apologizing."

He was right. Ever since my old junior high school best friend Froe, people have been warning me about him. My mom even spelled it out for me just a couple weeks before. This was not okay and I didn't deserve to be treated like this.

Shortly after, the party ended and everyone went home. Glen was even more upset because my friend that I was hooking him up with that night also left. He felt I had ruined an opportunity at making up for upsetting him. That was it. I finally saw just how toxic this had all become. Right then and there, I told him that I wanted a divorce. Immediately, his tune changed. He was ready to do anything and everything to make us work as long as I didn't go. The next morning, I told him that I needed time to think about it and headed to my mom's house. I never went back and have never physically seem him in person since.

My relationship with Glen ended in 2007. Even years later, I always just said it didn't work out. The relationship left me broken. I have self-confidence and self-esteem issues. I typically don't feel I'm worth anything to anyone unless I'm doing things for them. I take blame for situations that I can't control and suffer from guilt that I shouldn't have. Ultimately, this all has been to my detriment and I'm now seeing a psychologist to help me through it. It wasn't until I started to see my psychologist that I finally called it what it was: abuse; and it wasn't until October 2016 that I removed Glen from my Facebook friends list (yep, I had him as a friend on Facebook) and publicly said (since we have some shared friends) that what he did was abuse and I'm not going to deny it anymore.

My story does have a happy ending though. Jacob and I got married and have a beautiful daughter. We've been married over eight years and live polyamorously with other amazing partners. I continue to see my psychologist for a number of mental health issues while continuing to unpack the baggage I have from Glen and work to reprogram my brain from the almost decade worth of conditioning from him.

There is so much more to this story — so much more pain, suffering, and mental violence than what I wrote, but to document it all would take days. My reason for this article is to hopeful touch someone who finds themselves in the shoes I once stood in — to hopefully reach someone who feels alone and hopeless. I also wrote this to be a voice for those who cannot speak. Mental, emotional abuse is real and in some regards just as much a danger as physical abuse. Just because it leaves no physical scars doesn't mean it isn't damaging and it definitely doesn't make it excusable. No one should endure this kind of abuse, ever.

Are you being emotionally abused or think you might? Contact Day One's Abuse Hotline at: 1- 866-223-1111.

*Names have been changed to protect identities.